Lessons
by peachyfuzzykeen
Summary: There are some things you really can't learn in your average classroom...
1. Ficology: The HumanVampire Reproductive

**A/N:**

**So this is the first homework assignment for Smut U**

**It's all Twilight**

**I don't know what to say about this, so completely out of my comfort zone.**

**I tried, y'all. I tried. **

**SM owns. **

* * *

"Knock 'em down! Throw 'em Around! C'mon defense, work!"

"SPARTANS!"

"Knock 'em down! Throw 'em around! C'mon defense, work!"

"SPARTANS!"

"_Gooooooo_, Spartans!"

My ears are filled with the familiar screams of a fanatic football crowd as I land my hand spring, flawlessly, in perfect synchronization with Jessica and Lauren. The grass is slippery under my feet; I walk as slowly as possible while I smoothly wipe the water from my hands onto my skirt.

_Slow and steady, Swan._

The last thing I need is a nasty slip and fall like last year.

Sure, okay, I wasn't hurt…but the water boy spent like a week in that cast.

This year is different; I can't afford to exhibit any klutzy tendencies.

My perky smile is still in place as we promptly join the rest of the squad in their raucous cheering that continues to hype up the roaring fans in the shiny metallic bleachers.

Another play starts as the wind picks up and I curse my somewhat revealing uniform for its lack of protection from the momentary chill. The adrenaline of being in charge highly surpasses the kind I get from doing a complex routine; I feel my heart begin to race as I run off the plan for our next cheer. I've been elected team captain for about six months and I'm still not used to being in control of everything.

I try not to become too distracted by the play that's in motion right now. The crowd waits in cramped expectancy and I hold my breath with them as I take a few peeks at the active field. I immediately search for the brightest thing there and am filled with a surge of pride as I spot my quarterback boyfriend backing quickly away from the scrimmage line with a scowl fit for the deadliest warrior fixed on his handsome face.

My breath catches from a different kind of excitement as I admire his tawny skin glistening in the stark white light; his sweat is the only evidence of pressure as his commanding presence dominates the field. His muscles ripple sinuously as he throws the ball. He's like an automated weapon as he drives it down the field; he twists, rearing back like a bullet before it rips through the air.

I'm sure our loud little town could be heard from Jupiter as Jacob Black, our highly revered quarterback, catches the ball from our star center Embry Call. That cocky smile spreads across my boyfriend's face as the ball sails through the air above the frantic players scrambling across the field. Everyone knows it's gonna be caught by the sure hands of Jared, the best wide receiver in the state.

I'm probably being a little biased with that description, but I just get _so_ excited seeing Jake work his magic on the field.

If only he could work a little magic on me.

I laugh sadly to myself as I acknowledge, once again, the cliché that is our relationship.

The quarterback and the head cheerleader.

High School Sweethearts.

I hate myself for still wanting so much more.

The girls are completely clueless to my zoned out thoughts, but the swish of a dozen pom poms brings me out of my unwanted feelings and thoughts. I'm thankful for the distraction that is this game and I snap back into my role as captain; it was time to give these people what they came for.

It is so rewarding for to be a cheerleader in Forks; this town really loves their football.

But then, what else did this unassuming little town have going on?

* * *

I'm pretty sure I'm sweating in places I didn't even know I could; the biting breeze is no longer unwelcome but completely appreciated. It's almost half time and we're still in the lead; things are looking pretty good and I'm pretty sure I'm in for a _very_ private 'victory celebration' tonight.

I feel immense guilt at wanting to groan in annoyance with the thought.

Since when did having sex with my boyfriend equate to doing dishes or taking out the trash?

_You know when, Bella._

I'm nauseated as the girls form a huddle around me just as half time starts. I swallow my guilt as I quickly tamp down the tiny nerves that come from a bunch of eyes and ears anticipating my next move. As the somewhat new team captain, I was still just trying to get used to the minimal power I'd been given over the squad. "Okay, you guys stay here and stretch for a bit," I hated how my words came out like a question; I'm still praying I'll get used to leading them. Even the smallest requests I made were hesitant. "I'm gonna get the water dispenser from the utility closet," I watch for a second before I see several multi-colored ponytails shake in assent before I walk away.

I fight my way through the ravenous crowd exiting the stands and herding the concession stand. My 'pardon me's' are lost in the din as I step on everyone's shoes.

I guess I don't have to pretend to be graceful right now.

As I finally get free into the deserted school parking lot, I revel in the momentary reprieve of solitude on this short walk. I watch my shadow follow me through the dirty streetlamp lights; I weave quickly through the cars as the responsive shouts of the crowd behind me hang in my ears.

Of course, being alone sometimes means being alone with your thoughts; which is _really_ something I don't need now.

But like most of my life these days, I have no control over it.

In my mind, I pin my boyfriend with unwarranted blame; I lay false guilt all over him to escape my hidden shame.

Maybe he is a selfish lover.

Maybe he is thoughtless towards me.

Maybe I am wholly dissatisfied with our relationship.

Thousands of little reasons of why he's to blame for me being a horrible person.

Thousands of pitiful denials fight pointlessly against the truth.

But the truth is; he doesn't deserve this.

I grab the doorknob to the little storage room at the side of the field and pull it open; the dangling chain that could give me light smacks me in the face. I don't really need it since I'm only going to be two seconds; so I just prop the door open letting the dim broken high lamps of the parking lot filter into the closet. Like a spotlight, the tiny glow illuminates the giant empty, orange water tank; it's labeled 'Girls' and it's on the _very _top shelf

"Okay, now that's just deliberate." I mutter sardonically, to myself. As a person of about 5'5'', I know I don't have a prayer of reaching that thing without a little help.

I sigh laboriously as I realize my two seconds in this musty closet are about to be elongated.

Just as I'm about to go find a stepladder or at least a very sturdy chair, the door closes and I'm encased in complete darkness.

I know who it is though I'm even hoping it's not him, but I ask anyway. "Jacob?" My voice is barely a whisper in the dark.

A low growl sounds at my guess and I'm gently pushed face-forward into the hard wall of this little room, "Guess again, baby." He mumbles in my ears, his hands automatically hooking into my hips; firmly, possessively.

I try to pretend like I don't know every inch of his calloused fingertips grazing the soft skin flirting from between the gap of my shirt and skirt. But I know that's hopeless, so I try like hell to pretend I don't like it so much.

The needy moan that slips away from me is a dead giveaway that I'm miserably failing at both.

"What?" I ask dumbly as my earlobe is sucked between his soft wet lips.

He ignores my faked ignorance; probably annoyed with my usual dalliance of pretending like I don't want this. "I want you, Bella." His declaration is as tangible to my body as his warm right hand slipping it's way up my thigh, so _so _slowly. My skirt bunches up as he gets dangerously near to my already soaked panties; I know he can feel the heat between my thighs because he tightens his grip on my long hair that's in his other hand.

He tugs my head smoothly to the side; his long wet tongue licks a searing line on my already burning skin, and I make a last ditch effort at retaining my dignity. "We shouldn't-", My lips are almost touching the wall as I close my eyes to the sensation of his left hand roughly massaging my wanting breasts. There is absolutely no space between us as he covers my back with his strong body, but yet I still find space to arch into his commanding hands.

He shushes me as his fingers creep under my defenseless panties; my knees almost give out as one digit strokes my craving excitement. My balled hands shake at my sides as he tugs down the cups of my bra, my breasts eagerly freed for his manipulations.

He pinches my nipple tenderly and I fold further into him. "_Fuck_…"I sigh in defeat because he's won again.

I can never resist this; resist him.

He unknowingly answers my thoughts, just like he always answers my deepest desires. "That's right." He chuckles darkly as I hear the metallic signal of him undoing his belt. I grow wetter at the very sound, the fucking anticipation. As soon as I hear his pants drop, my eyes open quickly. His hot kisses brand my neck and when he whispers his longing to me, my stomach tightens in dangerous ecstasy. "I need to fuck you, Bella."

His hands are pushing up my skirt, grabbing my ass through my panties. I fucking need him and he knows it. "Yes." I agree mindlessly, I'm under his thrall and it drips from my voice. I can't do anything else but whimper and moan for his cock; I don't even have the presence of mind to take off my shirt or panties.

I hear the faint crackle of plastic as his hands leave me momentarily, "Do you want me?" He demands in his sensually provocative voice.

God, I want him.

I don't know why he even asks me.

He already knows.

I can't stop whimpering. "_Ungh…_please?" I beg shamelessly, hating a tiny part of myself.

His hands are heavy on my delicate hips as he angles my body until my ass is sticking out for him. "_Say it._" He coos, giving me a little spank.

"Yes," I shudder as he hooks his fingers into my panties, peeling them off me slowly until they hit the floor. "Yes, Coach Masen, I fucking want you." I nearly scream it.

His breath is heavy as he spreads my legs for him; my hands slap the wall as I hurry to get my bearings. My heart nearly climbs up my throat as I feel him position himself at my entrance and soon I feel glorious pressure as he sheathes himself into me. "God, Bella," he grits out as he spreads me open for his swollen length. "Need you so much."

When he slides smoothly all of the way inside of me, his grunt makes my very skin electrify. It doesn't take him long to get his stride and when he does, there's nothing stopping him from fucking me deeply and heavily. My hair falls into my eyes; which are locked open in rapturous pleasure, seeing nothing while he hits that sensational spot deep inside of me with the head of his thick cock.

My knuckles are aching and I know they're a pallid white as I grasp futilely at the wall; desperate for something to hold onto. My strangled cries are pushed out with each delicious stroke of his dick inside of me; he pushes and pulls me onto his hardness while my teeth tear into my lip in a useless effort to stifle my savage screams.

The feeling of his hot sex inside of me, the sound of my ass slapping softly against his thighs, and the fact that I can't see the gorgeous man ravaging me; it's all a splendid culmination that attacks my senses.

I'm so fucking close.

I reach down, press two shaky fingers to my slick clit and rub it quickly. With one more stinging slap on my ass and a heavy thrust, I can't take anymore and just let go; flying into the throes of pleasure that only he can give me. Nothing matters as my tight wet body clutches onto his cock, milking it until he joins me in carnal bliss.

His arms encircle me just as he gasps; he pulls me upright, hugging my body to his as he continues to steadily pound into me. I moan weakly; my sweaty hands stroke his, desperate for him to come inside of me. He stiffens after one more jagged motion of his hips just before moaning deeply through his release.

When he regains composure, he loosens his hold on me. I can barely breathe as I brace myself on the wall. I lean my forehead leaning against it feebly; I can't stop shaking. I feel my skirt fall back into place; the deceivingly innocent ruffles tease the back of my sensitive thighs.

I make a move to turn towards him and regret it immediately.

"Edward?" My head spins and my voice shakes when he removes himself from me.

It's like he can't get away from me fast enough.

I reach for his shoulder; desperate to feel him, to make sure he won't disappear from me. My fingers catch air as I hear him stagger to the other side of the limited space of this closet.

I need to see him; I grope around for the little beaded chain before tugging it.

The harshness of sudden light blinds us both, but only for a moment.

His jeans are around his ankles; his boxers and shirt are all that covers him. My eyes are fixed on a used condom tied in a knot dangling from his shaking hand; the only evidence of our tryst other than our matching mussed hair and wild eyes.

His face crumbles when he looks at me in the shallow light in the room as if I'm a horrible apparition.

A deathly omen.

His breath no longer resembles the passionate pants he'd blown in my ears while he'd taken me and I can't even hear mine anymore.

It's lost in the air of this room along with my sanity.

His eyes translate an identical message; one that transcends the words we dare not speak.

No matter how good this feels, we shouldn't be doing this.

_But we'll never stop._

* * *

**A/N:**

**Thoughts? I'd love to hear them :)**


	2. The Non Entirely Gratuitous Lemon

_**A/N:**_

_**Hello again!**_

_**We're on Lesson Two now; the chapters reflect the lessons. **_

_**You probably know this if you're in the same SmutU thingy...I suck at author's notes.**_

_**Okay, we're gonna take a time trip here. **_

**_I had this idea and it's not exactly modern._**

**_So just so nobody is confused, this is James POV and it's gonna go back and forth with the time. _**

**_So every time a portion of the story is _**_italicized__,_**_ he's thinking exactly ONE year BACK._**

**_And when the text is _**normal,**_ he's thinking in the PRESENT._**

**_So you with me?_**

**_Good?_**

**_Good._**

**_This is Twific, SM owns. _**

* * *

_**Chicago 1933**_

_Clouds of smoke surrounded a table of lawless men that Saturday night. _

_The self satisfied smirks of made men only lifted higher when met with never ending tumblers of gin. _

_Tempting ruby smiles looked like fiery flares in the bright lights of a hundred crystal chandeliers; their kisses burned stains on the collars of my increasingly rowdy crew._

_The liquor was flowing as smoothly as the big brassy number that had all these rich folk grabbing their overdressed sweethearts to sweep the ballroom with floor length dresses and sure footed steps. _

_And there I was, sitting dead in the center of this crazy picture; right in the middle of all the action, as always, taking in the bright lights and loud music of the live band playing._

_Same damn song though it never had much meaning. _

_Cooing whispers blistered my ears as I shrugged off greedy women; swatting at them like thirsty mosquitoes that were surely trying to suck me bone dry. _

_There wasn't a thing I could give to them that they couldn't get from someone else; they could try another sucker, I wasn't interested tonight. _

_But what did I want?_

_It was another typical night of showing off with the wealthy and making connections; I was the only chump at this table with a sour face, refusing to mix business with pleasure. _

_As much as this world had once been coveted by all of us; the minimal pleasures of good booze, fancy clothes and easy women just weren't as big as my young eyes used to make of them._

_I wanted more. _

_Even though I had been growing a little tired of this swanky scene, sometimes I couldn't believe a boy from a dirt town in Indiana had ended up here. _

_In one of the grandest hotels in Chicago. _

_It sure wasn't a clean road to the top, that's for damn sure._

_But who here's conscience was clear?_

_My Paw, God rest his miserable soul, he always said 'if there's a will, there's a way'. And every single man at this table was nothing but wickedly willful and dead set on getting their way. _

_I was no exception. _

_I had leaned my head back in my chair; breathing in the ash of blazing cigarettes and wishing I had something to clear my mind other than the burn of whiskey I'd been knockin' back for the last hour. In my head, I wasn't even there anymore; the thump of the bass drum was the only reminder that I was still alive. _

_Now, I can't figure why, but as the music changed, I suddenly snapped out of my boredom. Just as I opened my eyes to put the glass back on the table, the smoke started to let up some. _

_That's when I saw her._

_It was a little hazy, even with all those bright lights but I saw her. _

_And as I caught the curve of her body in the faint glow surrounding her from across the room, I realized I'd been looking for her my whole miserable life._

_I saw her shimmering in the mist of the smoky sin of this godforsaken table, her quiet beauty shined all the way through the murky ashen air. Instantly, my restless eyes couldn't rest until they'd seen every inch of her. _

_I leaned forward against the table, staring at the dark haired beauty standing behind a desk. She had the purest skin; icy cold milk and I was dying to taste her. Her dress was the deepest blue and she wore a little black jacket over it._

_Two deep pink petals peeked at me from her perfectly heart shaped face; but her lips were curved in the saddest slope and I couldn't help thinkin' it wasn't right. _

_No girl that beautiful should have looked so goddamn sad, I had thought as I began to push my chair back. _

_I had wanted to make those lips smile before I kissed them. _

_One kiss from her could just about save my soul, I had been sure of it. _

_I stood up. _

_Man can't get what he wants just by sittin' around and waitin' for it to come to him. _

"_Jimmy?" I had heard from the side of me as I walked around the table. _

_But I didn't know what to say, so I just kept walkin'._

_Walking to her._

"_Hey, Jimmy, where you goin'?" Emmett laughed as I kept moving forward; his laugh was full of knowing._

_I was going for my biggest score; an angel's heart._

* * *

_**Chicago 1934**_

Windshield wipers fill my dead ears as I drive too fast through the pouring rain. It's two in the morning and I'm just trying to make it back to my girl without wrapping this thing around a pole.

That'd be just what I need, to die that way.

But I can't die, I won't.

_She needs me. _

My shoes feel heavy while I'm driving; I already feel like I'm goin' to my own damn funeral.

I ain't never felt this kind of _sickness _before.

Sick over the future.

Sick over all the things I don't know and some of the things I wish I didn't know.

There ain't enough whiskey in the world to take away all the troubles I'm walkin' this Earth with, but Lord knows I tried tonight. I struggle to see a little as I park the car on the side of the road; I stop some ways south of where I'm meant to be. I'll just walk the rest of the way. I look at the rearview mirror; checking the abandoned street to make sure there aren't any cars lurking behind me, before I get out.

The door squeaks in the dark as I open it, it spooks me some. My foot wobbles a little before it hits the pavement; I pull myself from the car with all the effort I got in me. The breeze outside of the stale space in that car nearly knocks me over. My hands shake as I shut the car door; I pull them over my stubble rough face, I gotta get it together. My blood's probably all alcohol and I can feel it swimming in my brain, sickening my already churning guts.

Had a meeting with the boys tonight, talkin' about how we're gonna hit that bank over town. It's supposed to be easy; smooth and easy. We've never made a mistake, and we know we can trust each other; but while we sat around that shifty bar, the liquor didn't taste as strong, the music wasn't as sweet and our plans didn't seem as perfect.

I got a real bad feelin' about this job.

I felt it all the way to the rust of my weary bones.

We didn't just talk about what the layout of the bank was like or what car we'd steal or what route to take from there.

As time went on, we all stopped foolin' ourselves.

We talked about what would happen if our planning went down the gutter.

It was the first time we'd ever acknowledged that it was even a possibility.

For the past year and a half, we'd all been flying so high off our own asses; we never took the time to realize all the danger in the risks we'd been taking.

Maybe because it never mattered to any of us before.

We never mattered to anyone and nobody mattered to us.

We were damned men, living fast and hard with no regrets and only seein' dollar signs; we never really gave a damn about the risk we put on our _own_ lives.

But with Emmet 'Dimples' McCartey finally taking a wife and with 'Baby Face' Masen's own little one on the way, we finally started to see things differently.

The G-men had finally made their appearance here in Chicago; we could feel them breathing down our necks. They'd already gotten three of some of the most wanted men in the country; it was only a matter of time before they started to make their way to us. This town's biggest business was crime and we had been running the show for nearly a decade.

And now the things that used to look so straight were startin' to look real crooked.

I can feel it.

Times are changin' and not for the better.

The people we used to work with want no part of us. Everybody's runnin' scared. Nobody even wants to know our goddamn names anymore, let alone what we're up to. The law has been hittin' this town hard. All our connections, all the people who used to insure us safe hideouts for our money and ourselves; they'd turned their backs on us.

This was different from the morons at the local police department; these people knew who we were and they were starting to find out how to get us.

It's only a matter of when.

And normally, I'd be laughing 'Come and get me', but not this time.

I'd never doubted myself or the job before. In a life like mine, you didn't have time for doubt; the only thing you could count on was the plan, failure wasn't a part of that plan.

Now, failure haunts every thought I have.

The rain drips over the brim of my hat, running down my face; sorta like tears.

But I know I can't cry.

Tears don't do nothing; they can't bring nobody back and they damn sure can't make 'em stay.

With the feds making Chicago their new home, I've been feeling a little sicker by the day.

But the fear of getting caught has nothing on the thought of failing her.

I just know, that with this one last score, I can start doin' right by my angel.

I can take her someplace warm and sunny, start over.

Maybe even start a family.

I turn the doorknob in my hand just as I make it to my most important hideout while my dreams of a bright future with my girl start to get foggy.

How can I pretend like we've got all the time in the world, when I'm barely making it through tonight?

* * *

_I had robbed over a dozen banks in the last eight years and there I was just as frozen as piss in winter at the thought of just talking to the dame._

_I had made it all the way over to the front of the desk, to the coat check area. _

_As I got closer, I realized that black blazer was a uniform._

_She looked like she was being swallowed by it, she was so small. _

_Too small to be carryin' all that sadness._

_So, I knew about two things; she was a knockout and she was workin' here. _

_Well, that just didn't add up. _

_Maybe that had something to do with that sad look on her little face. _

_Her eyes were lookin' down so much, I couldn't see them._

_I was so desperate for her to look at me. _

_One look from her would feel like redemption; something that was impossible for someone like me._

_But I wanted her._

_And from the looks of her, I knew it wouldn't be that easy to get her. _

_But I sure as hell would do anything to keep her._

_Man, was she a beauty. _

_I'd never seen anyone like her in my entire life; maybe if I had I wouldn't be the man I was today._

_Maybe I'd be a better man. _

_But I was who I was, and I wanted her. _

_Luckily, that meant I wouldn't stop until she wants me, too. _

_She finished handing off a coat to someone just before she comes from around the desk; I hate watching her leave._

_I rushed to her side; she doesn't even notice me as she stares a hole in the floor, her dark hair is like a curtain that I really wanted to pull back so I could see her eyes. _

_I bet they were so bright, they made the stars jealous. _

_I felt antsy; for the first time I was wonderin' if I would look okay to a woman like her. I almost wanted to run to a mirror and make sure my dirty blond hair wasn't stickin' out all over the place or check if my suit was wrinkled. I could feel the sweat on my palms, the crazy beat in my heart. She didn't even know how she'd turned my world upside down without even a glance in my direction. _

_I followed her for a few more paces with my throat dry and my heart on the line._

_It's now or never, I thought before I cleared my throat. "Excuse me," I said as softly as possible, but it still startled her. "I was wondering if you could help me."_

_I felt something in me warm up and lift when she set her brown eyes on me. They were like the sweetest chocolate and I bet her smile was even sweeter. I was dying to see it. _

_She wasn't speaking; her little lips were in a cute O shape as she stared up at me. I wondered if she could recognize me, what I was, in those big brown eyes. I wondered if she liked what she saw; I know that I did. _

_Her perfectly curled hair bounced when she nodded a little; her eyes were still on my blue ones, so I took that to mean she'd be willing to help me. _

_I was still so nervous just to stand near her but I managed to think quickly; I was just hoping she'd say yes. "You hear that song?" I asked her, as a slow gentle piano song was just starting to fill the room. She nodded again quickly with cute determination to help. "Well, I like this song but I wanted to dance with the prettiest girl in the room…would you mind?"_

_For a minute, she looked so confused; her eyes narrowed a little until they opened up quickly at what I meant. "Oh…well I dunno, I'm not supp-" Her voice was the sweetest music ever played; I only wanted her to play it for me. _

"_It's just one dance, angel." I took a step closer wanting to assure her, but she her eyes looked so frightened. _

_She took a step back, shaking her head a little; but she still stared at me, so unsure, and I didn't like the fear that darkened her eyes. _

_I immediately placed my hand in front of her; I wanted her to take it. I wanted her to take it and know that if she just held onto my hand, I'd always make sure she was safe.  
_

_She never had to be afraid; I would always take care of her if she ever needed me. _

_I stared into her eyes as she thought about her next move; she didn't seem the type to take chances but I wanted her to know it was alright to take a chance with me. _

_I watched her as she tried to make up her mind, chewing on her sweet bottom lip. "So, what do you say, sweetheart?" I had winked at her, causing the apple of her perfect cheek to turn a perfect red. "Give a lonely man a dance?"_

* * *

"Good, you're here." She sighs; I can hear the relief in her voice. I know the feelin'; she has no idea how much her smile can take away my pain. Hell, she has no idea the kind of pain I feel. I never want her to. "Now c'mon in and wash up, your supper's getting cold." She's wearing a pink polka dot apron and standing near a table covered with a nice spread; just like any other night together.

But all I can focus on is the perfect pale skin of her neck, peeking from the collar of her little green dress; so I just walk right over and place my head in the nook of it. I don't say a word but I'm hoping she can understand how much I just _need_ her.

She wraps her little arms around me, holding me.

Such a strong little thing she turned out to be.

I just need to pretend everything's alright, even though I know in my heart it's a goddamn lie.

Her hands shake as she smoothes my hair, "James, what's wrong?" She asks quietly.

But all I can do is breathe in her fresh scent; take in the smell of this innocent angel here on Earth that is always trying to life me from my own Hell.

My silence becomes too much for her as she begins to pull away from me; I almost whimper at the thought of her body not close to mine. "James, talk to me."

"It's nothing, angel" I breathe deeply, trying to play my part. But I know I'm not doing a good job of it. "I just missed you." When I back away to plant a long kiss on her sweet forehead, her eyes have a million questions.

I swallow at the sickness of the answering them.

I can almost feel her eyes on my back as I walk to our table.

* * *

_My soul had always been too far gone to be saved, but the closest to heaven I'd ever gotten was right there in that sweet girl's arms._

_The song was slow as we swayed to the low piano playing at the front of the room. We were mixed with a bunch of people, but I swore there was nobody on the planet but her and me. _

_Just a man and his woman. _

_It took her a while, but she had finally relaxed into me. Her arms were draped around my shoulders, her eyes were closed with a sweet smile. "See, doll?" I ask after a few minutes; I was dying to hear her speak again. "This ain't so bad, is it?" I chuckled at her earlier resistance of what felt so good now._

_I felt her lips move against my chest, so close to my heart. "No." She mumbled shyly._

_Her hands trembled where they layed around my neck. "What's wrong, angel?" I whispered gently in her little ear. _

_She pulled away from me some and I immediately wanted to tug her back. Her cheeks looked all rosy when she finally answered. "Look, I don't know what you want with me- but…but…" Her voice had a volume that I hadn't heard yet. She struggled to keep moving with me but her words were stronger. _

_She was stronger. _

_I loved it. _

_But as she kept stutterin', I didn't want her to get more upset. "Shhh, I don't want nothin'." Her little eyebrows called me on my bullshit. "Okay," I laughed. "Maybe your name?" I sounded more like I was beggin' than askin'. _

_She smiled up at me before answerin'. "Bella." It was more beautiful than I dreamed it to be and I told her so. Of course, in response, she blushed at me, trying to hide that bright smile of hers._

_But I didn't let her hide in my chest this time. _

_I placed my hand on her cheek, rubbing the smooth skin on her warm face; my fingers had danced a slow and careful waltz to the tip of her shaking chin, her eyes were wide with either nerves or anticipation. I felt her hands tighten on my shoulders just before I tipped her face up to my lowering lips._

"_Swan, what are you doing?"_

* * *

I watch her brush that long shiny hair after she put on her little white nightgown. Her eyes keep switching back to mine as she sits in front of the mirror, just like she did every night.

But her eyes are filled with worry instead of happiness.

Can she feel how different things are now?

God, I hope not.

When she puts her brush gently down on the dresser, she turns quickly to me and gives me her sweet smile. I still feel like it's the greatest thing I've ever managed to get; her smiles, her kisses, and her beautiful heart were all mine and I didn't have to steal it.

She always gave it to me completely, just like I'd give her anything.

I watch the bare skin of her legs as she crosses the room to where I lay across our bed. The lamp is still on; the world is still sleeping outside of our top floor apartment. I can't even hear the sound of a car passing; just her little breaths and my heart beating as she finally lies down next to me.

I give her the best smile I can as I pull her soft curly hair back from her face; I don't want her to worry about a thing.

She's had enough trouble in her life; she doesn't need me adding to it.

It's not like anything is even settled yet.

I'm so busy thinkin', I almost don't feel it when her soft lips cover mine.

So sweet and pure.

And I may never feel it again.

I can barely breathe let alone kiss her back.

I can't move my lips, so she just quits tryin' to make me. She sits up from where she was lying against me. Her little hands ball into fists on the side of her hips. "What's eatin' you, Jimmy?" She scowls.

I fix my mouth to make up another lie but nothing but air comes out. She has no idea that I'm wanted by every FBI agent in the country. Or even what that would mean for us.

In the year and half that we've been together, she's learned so many things. Confidence was one thing that she'd had the most trouble with but she's finally able to really speak her mind.

Whether I like it or not.

She's lookin' at me like I better not say the wrong thing, but there's no way on Earth that I'll fill her with my sickness.

I always come through in the end; she's finally learned to trust that.

I won't take away her trust in me, even though I know she shouldn't trust me at all.

I no longer had to hear her hide her sobs when I'd run out on a job. I no longer had to see her eyes filled with worry and pain when I was even five seconds late coming home. She'd finally learned that everything I did was for her and that I'd never let her down.

How could I take away everything she's ever known with me?

How could I tell her that I may not make it?

I scratch the back of my head as I look at the wall behind her. I've been lying for a lifetime, but I still can't look my girl in the face and lie to her. Her voice gets quieter but it still fills the room, "It's that heist ain't it?" Her eyes are burnin' me, tryin' to pull out every worry in me.

I breathe deep; I won't give her my worries.

I try to laugh off her notions; try to make her feel like everything's fine. "It's nothin', baby." I reach for her, I want her to lie back down but she's already throwing her little body into me.

She's so warm against my naked chest; the heat from her body is the most precious feeling in the world to me. "James, don't leave me." I can already hear the tears travelin' to those eyes of hers.

I hate when she cries, especially when it's because of me.

I feel like a waste of a man when my voice shakes, "Hush, baby." I clear my throat while I situate her body until she's sitting tight in my lap; she wraps her soft legs around me. Her thighs sit on my hips and my chest is covered with her soft, sweet smelling hair. "Nobody's goin' nowhere." I kiss the top of her head as her nails dig into my arms.

I close my eyes as I keep tryin' to comfort her, when really I try to take comfort in the way she's wrapped around me. "Please don't leave me; I can't make it without you." She whispers and I know she's already cryin'.

I rub her back as her little body shakes in my arms. "You know I have to do this, Bella." How was I meant to convince her that everything would be alright, when I wasn't even sure anymore? "I just want a good life for you, I want to give you everything." Through all of my doubts, that was the only thing I was sure of. It was the only thing that kept me going.

Her tears roll faster down neck, the wet warmth causes me to shiver. I can feel my heart break when she sniffles out, "But you're all I want."

* * *

"_Swan, what do you think you're doing?" Some jerk in an all black suit came up way too close to us. I tried to shield Bella with my body but she already pulled herself far and away from me._

_Her shoulders were hunched and she looked down in shame. _

_I was so confused; she had nothin' to be ashamed of._

_I could barely make out what she was saying through her nerves and the music, "I don't…I didn't-" She muttered._

_Was this her fella?_

_Is that why she couldn't look either of us in the eye?_

_It didn't matter, she was mine now. _

_And while she was mine, I wouldn't let anyone hurt her. _

_I turned to the man as several people went on about their night, dancing away. "Who the hell are you?" I asked. I needed to know who this jackass thought he was makin' my girl sad again. _

_As Bella's face turned red in shame, this guy's face got redder in anger. "Her boss and she's-" _

_I walk near her even though she looks like she's ready to bolt from the room, "Right where she's supposed to be," I told him. It was the God's honest truth. If anyone had a right to be in such a beautiful place, it was Bella. Even though I was happy this wasn't her guy, I still didn't like the way he looked at her. I decided to let him know just who was really in charge here. "So, why don't move along before someone gets hurt." _

_He came up short at my warning; suddenly his red face looked white. "Excuse me?" _

_My threats were promises and he was getting real close to makin' me keep this one. "You heard me, asshole!" I yelled. Suddenly, his eyes took a whole new light and that's when I knew he had recognized me. _

_My boys at the table must have been watchin' this because I could see them all standin' up, touching the inside of their suit jackets. All I had to do was nod and they'd take care of this so I could take care of Bella._

_The man gave us a dirty look before smirking, "I'm calling the police." He turned around and that was a big mistake; I pulled him by the neck of his cheap jacket and held him to me. The idiot started to fight back but it was too late. He shouldn't have tried to take my girl away. _

"_Oh my God." I heard Bella gasp from behind me. I turned around to see her shaking her head as tears fell from her eyes. I had almost forgotten about her in all this mess. _

_I put my hand out toward her but she didn't dare take it from me; she was afraid._

_Her lip quivered and I knew I was gonna lose her. "Bella, wait…" I threw the scared little man to the ground, I didn't see him crawl away; nor did I notice everybody watchin' us. I just felt my heart leave with my angel, her hair flying through the crowd as she ran away._

* * *

Every sob just about did me in, every tear was killing me. "Shh, hush now." I whispered to her; I worried I was holdin' onto her too tightly but she just clung onto me, crying her eyes out.

I felt miserable that there was nothing I could do to make all this go away for her.

I'm much too selfish to wish she'd never laid eyes on me; even though I was no good for her, she had been the very best part of my life.

Her hands clutched at my hair as she cried into my neck. I let her put all her pain on me, I deserved it. Back and forth, I rocked her. But I wasn't sure who was getting more comfort out of our holding bodies. "James, I don't know if I'll make it." She whispered.

She was givin' up.

I couldn't let her give up, even if I already had.

It may be too late for me but it is never too late for her.

I shushed her; I didn't wanna hear her talk like that. "Don't say that, we're gonna be fine." I put her little face in my hands; I wanted her to really hear me. "Just like always, right?" I remind her. I've never given her a reason to doubt me; she just has to hold onto that until I give her a reason not to.

Empty promises. Empty promises were all I had been giving her and when I was gone she'd have to live with that. She'd have to live with the fact that everything I'd ever promised to her, in some way, had been a big fat lie.

I hate myself a little more as she agrees with me. "Yes, just like always." She nods. She closes her eyes, gulping air.

I feel so damn sick as she swallows every lie; listening to my bullshit because she wants to believe in me.

I can't believe in myself, but this is all I have to give her now.

I keep reminding her of all the plans we've made. How this was all gonna work out the way we wanted to. "And we'll go away somewhere, right?" I kiss her cheeks as she nods again.

I never thought I'd lie to my girl; now I'm giving her false comfort and fake fairy tales where we'd live happily ever after.

I swallow hard, prayin' my voice don't break. She needs something to believe in until there ain't nothin' to believe in anymore. "Yeah, we'll go away." Her broken smile just about finishes me but I give her one back. She gives me a quick kiss and puts her head back into my shoulder; hugging me to her like she's scared I'll blow away with the breeze through our open window.

I had never felt guilty for all the wrong I'd done, but God did I feel it now.

False hope was the killin' kind but I knew this was the only way we'd make it through the night.

I rocked her slowly on me; she kept putting these little kisses on my neck as she rubbed her hands all over my back. "Please, don't cry angel." I begged over and over until I couldn't feel anymore tears or hear any more bawling.

She fidgets on top of me for a second and when I try to still her, she kisses me hard. "Make love to me, James." There's a fire in her eyes that I've never seen before. Usually, she's not so forward with how much she wants me but I can tell she needs me

I just hope I can give her what she needs because with the way I feel and with all I'm thinkin' about, I can't seem to get it up.

I'm further ashamed as she keeps kissing my lips, my cheeks and my neck All I can do is close my eyes and hold onto her; feel her right here and my arms. But I'm so scared of the day when she might not be there to hold me.

But she needs me now, I have to give her this much.

I owe her that.

I push down the guilt and shame from today; the fear and uncertainty of tomorrow. I try to focus on the one sure thing in my life; my love for her. All the early mornings when I'd wake up to her eyes on me, all those nights she'd listen to me talk about my day while she'd curl against me in the bath. The way she made me feel was like nothing else in this world.

Instead of worrying when I'll ever feel this way again, I focus on how much I want her right now.

I rub my thumbs over her wet cheeks and kiss her like that first time. So sweet, I think, as I suck her bottom lip between mine. She moans as I rub my tongue against her lips, begging her to open her mouth to me. She does so eagerly, touching her tongue to mine; she rubs into my lap even harder matching the movements of her tongue against mine.

I run my hands all over her smooth soft skin, working her little nightgown off until she's naked in my lap. I go as slow as I can but she's just as ready for me as I am for her; I slide my hands over her arching spine until I'm cupping her bottom. She whimpers in my ear as I rub her, so close to where she needs me. I feel how wet she is between her soft thighs; she shivers a little as I rub her wet desire for me.

I don't ever want to forget the taste of her, my lips never leave hers. But she's not complainin', she only moves that much harder on my quickly hardening need; even though things are changing, the way she makes me feel never will. I sigh into her mouth as I take pull myself from my boxers, the tip touching her thigh a little; she moans deeply at the feeling of my hardness against her.

There's a moment as I slide slowly inside of her, just one moment where we both still in each other's arms; I wonder what she's thinking as she stares into me. For a second, I feel like I see something in her dark eyes but it's gone and they shine like stars just as she smiles sweetly at me. "I love you, Jimmy." She whispers, before she kisses me deeply.

I return my love to her in her ears just as I start to slowly thrust inside of her. Damn, she felt good, she always did. Her mouth is open in a silent scream; she can barely breathe as she starts to move against my hard sex inside of her. I bring my hands to her back; pushing her harder into me so I can get inside of her, as deep as I can go. I can't get close enough to her.

Her slow grinding on me picks up as her thighs squeeze harder around me; her breaths get louder until she's panting at the feel of me pushing up inside of her tight sex. I can feel her nails scrape over my back just as she starts to suck on my neck; mumbling how good I make her feel.

And as she bounces in my lap, taking what she needs from me; I notice all the colors of her beautiful brown hair, all the colors I'd failed to see in all the time we spent together. So much wasted time. I don't miss a thing as she tips her head back; I look at the slope of her neck, the rosy tips of her nipples arching into my chest, the curve of her mouth as she moans my name. I don't look away from her as she continues to ride me faster and faster, she's all there is in the world to me.

I'm so focused on memorizing every inch of her, but I don't miss the sound of her coming on my lap. I can't feel anything but her shaking around me; I hold her to me as she cries out my name one last time. I promise to carry that sound with me until my dying day as one tear fights its way free from my closed eyes.

She can't feel anything but her own pleasure, so I hide my cries in her soft breasts; I don't want her to see me weak even if it's at the thought of losing her. She falls against me; I'm covered in her curly, sweet hair as she drapes her body over me, catching her breath. I remove myself from her body slowly, hissing at the loss of her wet heat.

I just can't go on or I'll end up crying, giving up my act in an instant.

I don't want her to remember this night in any other way than her man making her feel beautiful and loved.

As I carefully unwrap her legs from around me, she he notices my hardness and gives me this confused look, "James, what about you?" I'm thankful she's so sleepy, gives me a way out of explaining why I don't want to keep going.

I don't think she'll take it well that I just want to hold her because it may be my last time.

I give her another laugh, as her eyes close again. "Don't you worry about me." I mumble in her ear as I place her underneath the blankets. "Just go on to sleep, angel." She nods into her pillow, smiling peacefully when I place a kiss on her naked shoulder. "I'll be here when you wake up."

It's my last lie, I hope, as she falls asleep in my arms.

* * *

_January wind stung me but not as much as Bella's reaction had. "Let go of me." She said. I had finally caught up with her but when I did, she just kept walkin'._

_Now I had her wigglin' arm in my hand. _

_I sighed, looking at the fear on her face. I wished she knew how much I never wanted to hurt her. I drop her arm but keep my eyes on her, praying she wouldn't run from me again. "Look, I'm sorry, okay?" I looked her dead in her eyes so she'd know it was the truth; I really was sorry for ruining our evening together. "But he had no right talkin' to you like that." She had to know that I would never be sorry for sticking up for her when she needed it. _

_But from the look on her face, I didn't think she wanted me to. "Of course, he does." She rolled her eyes and quickly pushed her windy hair out of her eyes. "He's my boss!" She yelled. Her voice was so much louder than before and it was so lovely. I didn't think she would appreciate me telling her so, or telling her how pretty she looked when she was mad. _

_I couldn't lie to her; I wasn't sorry that she was out there with me instead of in there with that low life boss of hers. "Not anymore." I told her. I would have thought she'd be happy to get away from there, now she could start a better life._

_Hopefully, she'd want to start it with me._

_Again, she surprised me with her anger. "That's right!" She pointed at me, waving her little finger at me. "You got me fired, you animal!" Her eyes only narrow more at my amusement. She really was cute all fired up like that. _

_I shook my head at her. She didn't know how great it was that she was finally free to do what she wanted now; how much I would have loved to help her do those things. "You don't belong there and you know it." I told her. How could she not see how special she was? Had nobody ever told her?_

_She looked so lost, I only wanted to take her home with me and hold her. "Well, where else am I gonna go?" Her cheeks still had tears on them; I promised myself that she'd never cry because of me again. _

_It was the easiest question in the world, and I had just the answer. "With me." I smiled. _

_The shock was in her eyes and voice. "I don't even know you." She looked unsure but I could tell she wanted me just as much as I wanted her. I know she felt the way our hearts met in that ballroom. _

_We belong together, she'd see. _

_For the third time that night, I stuck my hand out to her. "I want to be yours, angel." It was very funny that I had spent the night wondering how to make this beautiful girl mine, but now I just wanted to her say that I would always be hers. _

_She bit her bottom lip, lookin' at me like I was crazy. But I never put that hand down, I just watched as she started to move toward me a little. "Why?" She whispered. _

_Again, the answers came simple; straight from my heart. "Because I can't think of anyone I'd rather belong to." Her fingertips were so close to my palm; I would wait forever to feel her hand in mine. "Can you?" I asked, but from the look on her smiling face; I think I knew her answer. _

* * *

My hand shakes around the pen as I scratch my name at the bottom of my pitiful letter.

It's not much; it's not even a full page.

Just enough to remind her of some things, in case I ain't here to tell her anymore.

I can't even look at it.

It feels like I'm signin' my own damn death warrant.

I think back again, for the thousandth time, of the night I first met my girl.

I remember her stealing my heart before she even spoke a word. I remember how her eyes shined when we danced to our song. I remember the anger on her beautiful face when I'd gotten her fired. And I remember the kiss she gave me right after I promised to always be there for her.

My throat tightens as I realize how wrong I was to make that kind of promise.

I'd been a fool to think I could always be with her; to think I'd be able to spend the rest of my life with her when I knew I'd thrown my life away a long time ago.

From our very first kiss, I had never spent a day without her; I bought her anything she needed even if she wasn't sure she needed it. We spent every minute kissing, holding hands through every hour, and each night was filled with her warm touch and whispers of love.

She never stopped surprising me with how much more I could fall in love with her every single day.

She was my forever and I was her always.

It was so unfair that time couldn't stop for us.

The sun was barely up but it fell on her as she slept. She seemed so far away in her dreams, like nothing could hurt her; I wish I could stay in them with her for the rest of time. I put the envelope on the dresser; it had all the information to where all the money I stashed was.

I never thought she'd have to get it alone.

I never wanted her to spend one moment without me, let alone a lifetime.

I hope she knows how sorry I am for that.

The law wanted me; dead or alive.

And they'd probably get me.

But not all of me.

My angel would always have all my love.

I just hope that can be enough for her when I'm gone.

* * *

**A/N:**

**This was sort of a rush job, so please excuse any errors. I'm going to have all these lessons cleaned up by a beta, first chance I get. **

**I'd like to thank every person and thing that inspired or encouraged me but I think I've rambled enough and also I'm kinda shy. **

**Just know, I appreciate every one of you guys :)**

**Thoughts, please?**


	3. Writing a Virgin Scene

**A/N:**

**It's finally up!**

**Hope you dig it. **

**_Flashbacks_ are in _italics_; there's only two flashy parts. **

**SM owns. **

* * *

Boughs of pine needles baked on an unusually hot day in Forks; the smell blended peculiarly with the hickory smoked air of the nearby fields. Jasper Whitlock couldn't exactly blame the heat for the sweat on his brow, or the smoke for the tightness of his throat.

How could such friendly smells of summer be so ominous?

His every step felt weighted and doomed through the heated parking lot as he tried to gain control over his frenzied emotions; for the first time in a long while, the now confident Jasper was extremely nervous.

He was nervous because he was about to revisit a past he had thought was closed for him forever.

But with one Facebook status and subsequent phone calls/guilt trips from his folks back home, he was now walking straight back into Purgatory; otherwise known as high school.

Well, his 25th High School Reunion anyway.

Another tug at his perfectly polished Polo shirt gave his fidgety fingers something to do as he made his way to the clearing where the Forks High class of 1987 would probably be awkwardly socializing and self consciously eating.

Not too different from the old high school parties, he'd joked indulgently; at least that would be something familiar.

Something familiar in a positive way, in any case.

More than anything, he didn't want to be 'familiar' in any way to his old classmates. He wanted to be seen as the man he knew _now,_ not the way others had remembered him before.

But as he felt solid intimidation take over his every thought and action, he didn't feel like Jasper Whitlock, a 42 year old well known fashion photographer and former model; he felt like Jasper Whitlock, an insecure seventeen year old whose skills varied between imitating invisibility and wondering if he'd spend forever reading science fiction and waiting for his life to start.

The déjà vu was staggering.

The sun was a mockery for the storm raging inside him; he turned the corner into the clearing with a heavy sigh.

This could only end in tears or bloodshed; he had no idea for whom.

Streamers with their old school colors blew in the balmy wind; the sight was meant to be welcoming, Jasper was sure. Waiting in the open field was a warped outdoor version of prom; Wham! was blasting from the speakers of an absent minded DJ's turntables and couples were in their own circles catching up like they'd only just been away from school for a long weekend.

The only difference was that the 'cool kids' that were off sneering to themselves were their _own_ kids and they were mortified at having to spend the day surrounded by a field of pathetically nostalgic parents.

Jasper felt himself smile a little; his nerves settled at the sight of frumpy clothes, tired soccer moms, potbellies and tired smiles. All through school, he had vied to be just one of the crowd; he would have done anything for their acceptance.

His fears of continued rejection became unfounded in an instant as he fully remembered who he was; now he knew those past wishes were wrong.

It took some time, but he had blossomed through college instead of peaking at High School.

His back stiffened as he looked over the crowd, unseen from his stance near some high hedges. Maybe some of them would be just as vicious or indifferent towards him like they'd been in high school, but they weren't the same and neither was he.

For one, he still had all his hair.

And that kinda leveled the playing field.

"Oh my God," Jasper turned toward a gasp to his left; there were three wide pairs of eyes gawking in his direction. "There he is!" One red fingernail pointed toward him and Jasper almost wanted to turn his head to see what had caught the attention of the horde of women grazing by the snack table. It would figure that he'd be in the way of something more interesting.

So much for different.

But it's a good thing he kept his eyes on them before they completely knocked him over; he was suddenly swarmed by a group of sundress clad women. Their collective perfume was overwhelming and he was mid-cough when his hand was taken hostage by a toothy redhead. Through Jasper's bewilderment, he still managed a healthy amount of surprise at who was now holding his hand. It was the most popular girl from his grade; Victoria Hunter.

She and her brother James used to torment him daily.

She may have forgotten but he hadn't; he edged his hand from her strong grip and stared at her suspiciously.

It was never too late for someone to pull a _Carrie_.

His retreat was cut off by the arrival of two other women; women that he was startled to recognize as other popular girls from his past. It was hard to recognize them in their mom jeans and friendly smiles. "I'd heard you were coming but I didn't believe-" Victoria was breathless with a strange gleam in her eye, but another girl with the same look of exultation quickly cut her off.

Jessica Stanly must have gotten over her 'Madonna Impersonation Phase' but her hair was the same bushy brown it'd always been. She muscled her way through the crowd with a mega watt smile. "Rose wouldn't tell us," she tittered with mock annoyance. "But then I heard from Mrs. Cope-" Her face and tone took on the familiar look it always had before it was about to run through some convoluted gossip trail.

Shrinking away from their appreciative stares and obvious delight at his presence, Jasper wondered if they even recognized him. "Wait, what?" His words were drowned out by the growing clamor of his slowly growing crowd.

Another woman he didn't recognize grabbed at his other arm, her shrill voice carrying over the noise. "So… is it true?" She demanded.

It looked to be the collective question as everyone waited for his answer. "Is _what_ true?" Jasper asked with nervous confusion.

At this point Victoria was bouncing on the balls of her feet, she nearly shouted. "That you know Robert Pattinson?" Jasper almost laughed in relief when he realized that the look of adulation wasn't directed for him.

For all of Jasper's changes, he'd remained humble. He didn't like to name drop. "Well…" His voice stalled as he searched his mind for a change in topic. A flash of long blonde hair and a bloated tummy came into view from the side of his waiting crowd. "Oh, Rosalie!" His relieved sigh was almost worshipping. "_Please, _come here and join us." His cousin had finally come to the rescue and not a moment too soon.

Two girls almost went flying as Rose McCartey waddled her way to her suffering cousin. "Alright alright, let him breathe." Her scowl dared anyone to mess with her and it was high school all over again when they cowered away from her beautiful fury. "He needs a drink first before he puts up with any of you." Sighs of disappointment had never sounded sweeter as Rosalie led him away by his sleeve; her deep blue eyes swam in remorse as she looked up at him. "I'm so sorry, Jasper." Her concern was just as heartwarming as it was appreciated; as his only friend in high school, she'd always taken up for him.

He snickered at her beautifully woeful face, "Oh, don't worry about it." He waved a careless hand in the air; buoyant on the positive reception he'd just been given. Sure it was superficial and shallow, but he really got off on Victoria looking up to him instead of down on him. "It's actually kinda nice if I'm being honest, really unexpected-" Jasper chattered with frothing excitement until he noticed the way Rosalie looked seriously unnerved.

A heavy sigh blew his cousin's soft blonde bangs out of her face momentarily. "No," she corrected gravely. "It's not that…it's-" Her eyes flew all over the little campsite at everyone dancing, eating and reminiscing to the appalling sounds of New Kids on the Block.

And just like that, he was once again in a vulnerable spot that Rosalie had sworn he'd never be placed in again. There was only one reason in the world that she'd look so distressed. "You said he wasn't coming." Everything looked darker under his scrunched eyebrows; his cold stare bore down on his truly abashed cousin.

She quickly jumped to defend her honesty. "He _wasn't_, he must have changed his mind or something." Her words became rushed with panic as she noticed the change in his previously laid-back attitude; now he looked just as guarded as he had during his teenage years.

"Rose." He whined, not being able to stay mad at her sad little face; he didn't know what to do but his instincts told him to get the hell out of there.

Her hand rubbed soothingly on his back but he couldn't feel it under the weight of his own feelings. "It's just one afternoon; everyone's so excited to see you again." She reasoned quickly, becoming disheartened by his wilting form.

Jasper hated the affect that one high school tragedy was having over years of personal and professional triumphs. "I can't-" He whispered quietly. There was nobody watching them from their hidden spot behind an overgrown sycamore.

Two firm feminine hands gripped his muscular arms until he was facing her; he couldn't see the world in front of him, let alone his cousin. "You _can_, Jasper." She sighed sadly. "High school's over, honey." Her small words of consolation fell on deaf ears.

A familiar type of desolation took hold of him; sadness of the trapped tortured teen variety. Jasper's quaking heart was already halfway back to the car as he cursed himself for stupidly putting himself in this position.

It was never over.

* * *

Potato salad?

Or cole slaw?

Jasper's plastic spoon hovered uncertainly between two big blue bowls that sat on the red checker printed tablecloth covering the wooden picnic table.

Rosalie's empathetic assault was no holds barred; she'd told him that emails and Facebook hadn't been enough over the years and how much she'd truly missed him. After cradling her belly, she told him to stop running from the people who didn't deserve him because he was only running from the ones who loved him.

Emmett, her football coaching husband, had agreed wholeheartedly around his cheeseburger. He'd said, 'quit whining and eat' before downing another beer.

Jasper had to hand it to him, it had been sound advice.

He had managed to push back all of his worries enough to promise them another hour or two of torture. As long as he stuck close to them, there'd be no room for error.

He hoped.

Not too many people had bothered to show up from their graduating class of 105 in their small town; but every single pair of curious eyes had roamed over him just before whispered words were exchanged behind cupped hands.

With his job amongst high society, he was very used to having this kind of attention.

Or at least he thought he was.

Now he was so shaky he could barely choose a side dish.

Years of trying to build a reputation that he could be proud of, years of wanting someone to see him for who he was; and now he'd give anything to crawl into an impenetrable shell and hide away.

The irony of this day was enough to rob him of his appetite a little, as he started to dig his spoon lazily through the baked beans.

As he tried to get a hold of himself, he focused his attention on the many platters of food that he and Rose might be interested in. He had gotten tired of hiding out at a table with a bunch of women begging him to look at pictures of their supposedly model worthy daughters. News of his career as a photographer had spread widely through the town.

A few moments before Jasper saw a pale hand grabbing for a deviled egg, every hair on the back of his neck stood up. It was only for a moment and he had passed it off as minor paranoia; but his eyes followed the length of those grasping fingers, through the dark hair covered tendons of his strong arm connecting to his shoulder until he was looking at the side of Edward Cullen's face as he popped the egg in his mouth; completely unaware of Jasper on the verge of passing out merely three feet from him.

All of a sudden Jasper was transported back to 1987; standing by grey lockers watching his scuffed shoes play with the cracks in the tiles. Lips shut tight to hide fumbled words and shiny braces, books fastened to a feeble chest. His life was so bland and ordinary in a world of New Wave hairdos and neon clothes. He was never fashion forward and whenever he could find the courage to speak, it was always the wrong thing. His days passed in and out by being recognized as the dweeb with the slightly high IQ.

If he was ever recognized at all.

But then his world would take color in the form of an arrogant point guard flocked by simpering girls and worshipping guys. His athletic body was always covered in his signature letterman's jacket and ass hugging jeans. He was so perfect in his high school jock cliché and it made Jasper so bitter for being attracted to it. It was like a bad John Hughes movie that he couldn't stop watching.

The most popular guy in their senior class would always blow right by him but not without meeting his timid blue eyes and red cheeks; paralyzing him under his green stare filled with their secrets.

The Edward Cullen that Jasper was looking at now had definitely aged gracefully. His strong jaw was covered in a full day's growth of a beard; he showed only the faintest signs of age with slight laugh lines and a few light streaks of grey in his wild bronze hair. But those eyes were still the exact same; same piercing jade color that could wipe Jasper's mind clean with one glance.

And they were looking right at him.

Jasper dazedly watched Edward swallowed hard; whether from the tension or the egg, he couldn't tell. "It's good to see you, Jasper." The depth of his voice still stirred sleeping feelings in Jasper as he returned Edward's forced smile. "You look… good."

He hated the powerlessness that came from being in the same vicinity of the man who'd broken his heart all those years ago.

But Edward was his first in every way and even after 25 years, his heart refused to forget it.

Nevertheless, Jasper reminded himself, they were both 42 years old and they could probably stand to act like it.

Jasper warred with his insecurities but tried to stand firm. "I _am _good." Jasper stated without removing his eyes from Edward's. It was false bravado that he was praying could be believed. The quick downcast look from Jasper's accusatory stare was enough of a reason for him to pity the man he once wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Edward looked behind himself quickly, scratching the back of his head. His face was unreadable, as he flashed another uncertain smile. "Right." He nodded jerkily. "Well..." It seemed that he was just as much at a loss for words as Jasper was. Jasper felt incredibly naïve for anticipating some profound conversation that would heal all the wounds on his heart's memories.

But Jasper didn't watch Edward fidget uncomfortably; he just took in all the changes of the man he once knew. And right now, this man was uncomfortable being confronted with his past. "Right." He repeated sadly. Edward took that as a dismissal and nodded at him curtly before turning away.

Jasper watched Edward's tall frame walk stiffly back to his table. He never turned back or broke his stride; when he got back to his table, he bent down to kiss a brunette woman holding a small child then sat down next to another smiling dark haired girl.

Jasper felt sick inside watching them; it was the familiar feeling of being an outsider.

He cursed himself as he tried to focus once more on the food; he had moved on, why couldn't I?

* * *

_Jasper had let himself into the empty Cullen house. He had learned early on in their relationship about 'secrets' and 'discretion'. One of those secrets happened to be hidden underneath the welcome mat to Edward's lavish three story home._

_The slightly worried boy had felt like he was moving through a haunted house as he followed the familiar path to Edward's room; he knew there was no practice today so he would be home but the sound of U2 blaring from outside of the bedroom door was confirmation enough for him to open the door without knocking._

_Jasper stood in the threshold, suddenly unsure, as he found Edward lounging on his bed, tossing a baseball in the air and catching it smoothly. Edward doesn't get up; he merely turned his head in the direction of the hesitant young man waiting in his doorway .The usually breathtaking stare of his green eyes looked lifeless in the pale lightless room. "You haven't been answering my calls" Jasper spoke, feeling sick to his stomach as Edward turned his head back again and continued his idle game. Even though Edward's silence unnerved him, he still moved forward. "Tell me what's wrong." His heart quivered to the depths of his vocal chords as Edward shrugged away from his hand. His touch should have brought comfort, so why did Edward look like he was in pain?_

_Edward quickly sat up, tossing the ball onto the bed with a soft thump. "Jazz, I can't do this anymore." His voice wasn't angry or even sad. It was barely alive and scaring Jasper to death._

_Jasper had been through all of Edward's doubts regarding his sexuality and their relationship. Lately, with the two of them graduating, he had been pulling farther away. "What?" Jasper whispered in shock. "But you love me." He reminded him. Jasper was convinced if Edward could remember that, then he wouldn't feel so afraid. _

_Edward's eyes closed tightly before he put his fingers on the bridge of his nose. "I thought I did, too." His voice was helpless, so confused. It made Jasper feel even sicker that their love caused such discord within him. It should have been beautiful to both of them, not just one of them. _

_Then, Jasper caught his words. "You _did_?" He asked, betrayal bleeding from his tone. _

_The pain in Jasper's voice reflected in Edward's eyes momentarily before he collected himself. "You deserve someone who can love you the way that you need it." Edward explained rationally. His words felt rehearsed, like he'd been saying this to himself for days. _

_Jasper couldn't understand how this was happening; his hair was balled into his fist. "That was supposed to be you." Jasper whispered tearfully. He felt beaten; the confidence that came from their bond was leaving him. _

_Edward walked nearer to Jasper; his muscular build in front of Jasper's lanky body, making him feel even smaller. Jasper always knew the day would come when Edward would see how much better he could have. "I'm just trying to be honest with you, we owe each other that much." His casual courtesy finally sparked aggression within Jasper. _

_Jasper stared defiantly into the eyes he once swore his love and loyalty to. "So, when were you going to be honest?" Jasper scoffed in Edward's wary face. "Before or after you fucked her?" He accused viciously. It was well known within school that Edward had been seeing Bella Swan for years. But what wasn't known was that the sweet virginal Chief's daughter couldn't satiate the appetites that Jasper could. When Edward would get fed up with second base from a prudish junior, he'd meet up with his all too willing 'study partner'._

_But even though Edward claimed to have feelings for Jasper, he still couldn't stomach acknowledging that he was cheating on his girlfriend with another man. _

_Edward stiffened before glaring at Jasper maliciously, he strode quickly to his door and stood near it pointedly. "I think you should go, Jasper." He rasped trying to restrain his emotions. "It was fun, but it's over."_

_Edward's stance and stare left no argument and Jasper didn't have the strength to beg for what he felt should have already been his. _

_Jasper moved his trembling hand to Edward's nightstand and dropped the key onto it. Without another look at Edward, he walked out of the room carrying a burning sob in his chest with him._

* * *

Jasper thanked the bored barista that handed him his piping hot chai latte. It was a bitterly appropriate taste for this bitterly abysmal trip. He had about a week left in this miserable town, and then he could escape to the confines of a first class flight back to New York. As hospitable as his family had been to him, this wasn't his home anymore.

His parents had excitedly set him up in the room he'd spent his high school years trapped inside of, every inch of it was filled with unwanted memories: the walls were covered in posters of long forgotten movies and broken up bands, and the bookshelves were filled with books that he hadn't touched in ages. Thoughts of the only person who he ever loved and how it ended had plagued him the whole day through and that room triggered every single sad one.

He sought refuge at a nearby coffee shop; the walls in his bedroom were slowly driving him crazy.

* * *

_It had been leading up to this; this moment was what the last six months had come to._

_In their relationship, where everything was hidden in fearful secrecy, they were finally bared to one another. _

_Edward inhaled quickly as Jasper grasped his warm erection, pumping it slowly. They had done it so many times before. It was perfectly practiced but this time Jasper's hands weren't as steady or sure._

_Hesitant touches and hungry kisses were given and taken in a dark lonely house. There was nothing stopping them this time; not their fears or doubts, their parents, or insecurities. They wanted to love one another in the most passionate of ways. Everyone they knew didn't exist to them, all they knew was the pleasure of exploring hands going further than ever before._

_Their passion was nearly painful; it was like they couldn't stand denying themselves the pleasure of their joined bodies. Neither one of them had ever made love to a man before; they were mostly going on a lot of trust and instinct. _

_Jasper fastened his wanting lips onto the bending neck of his secret lover, sucking the skin until Edward hissed in obvious pleasure. Edward found the will to stop thrusting into Jasper's coaxing hand, wanting to last for as long as he could; he moved Jasper quickly to the bed. _

_Jasper tried hard to fight the lump of fear in his throat, this was fairly similar to their usual late night fumbling; the excitement of hands in new places, lips in vulnerable spots, and making the other moan in ecstasy. Except now they were naked and the next step was often imagined but not yet experienced._

_As he felt a confident hand on his ass, Jasper arched into Edward's dominating body. Their kisses grew deeper and longer as he felt Edward's fingers enter his hole. This was a familiar pleasure so Jasper didn't hesitate to grind his hips as Edward's long finger fucked him deeply. _

"_So tight," Edward whispered from above him before licking the moaning boy's ear, before he added another finger. _

_Jasper's thick cock bobbed with every desperate thrust for friction and it made Edward fuck him harder with his fingers, preparing him for something much bigger. _

_Jasper's closed eyes opened quickly at the sound of a condom being ripped open; he sunk his teeth into his lip as he watched Edward sheath himself in the condom. Edward's bright smile glinted in the limited light falling through the window, his silhouette hovered over the trembling blond that was watching his every move. Jasper's hands shook as he placed them on Edward's back, pulling him down faster to his body; he wanted him to know that he was beyond ready to have his body claimed. _

_Jasper had no other lovers prior to this, but Edward was well experienced; it both reassured him and made him highly nervous about his ability to satisfy his gorgeous partner. As his chest was warmed by Edward's on top of him, he hitched his legs up on his hips; spreading himself for the hard cock he could feel rubbing between his cheeks. _

_There was stillness as he could feel the head of Edward's cock circle his tight opening, until finally he felt pushing pressure. Jasper gasped at the burning stretch of his lover inside of him only to be muffled by Edward's searing hot kiss. _

_The bed creaked with each jerky thrust inside of him; each movement was punctuated by a raspy grunt echoing in Jasper's ears. They panted in tandem working so hard to reach their end that they knew was shortly coming; Jasper never really held much expectation for the first time he made love, he knew that neither one of them would be able to hold out for too long. _

_But as the minutes grew and his feelings intensified, Jasper was convinced that they had been moving together for hours and days. He could hear Edward fighting his orgasm and knowing it was a futile effort, he himself could feel his torso tensing toward release but he needed a little more stimulation. _

_Jasper reached down to touch himself, the stimulation was far too much to hold on past two pumps and he spilled his seed into his own hand and Edward's tensing stomach. The squeezing pressure from within Jasper was enough to trigger Edward's own climax. _

_It was over before it ever truly began and it was already fading from their memory, but the feeling of Edward's sweaty spent body relaxing into his would be forever felt. _

_Jasper could feel Edward try to regain his breath in the damp skin of his neck; as Jasper placed his hand in his quaking lover's hair, his heart knew that he would never forget the first man to take his body and heart. _

_Stars swam in his glassy eyes as he held his only love in the dark._

* * *

The quiet clatter of teacups and silverware and his heartsick memories were interrupted by a soft searching voice. "Mr. Whitlock?"

Jasper looked up in the direction of the voice to find a raven haired, young woman.

"Yes…?" His voice trailed off uncertainly. There was something oddly familiar about the girl; the way she nervously ran her small hands through her long dark locks, the faint pink glow in her pale cheeks and the hint of green in her eyes.

She should have been unforgettable to him but she was escapable to his memory.

His anticipatory stare made her shy face increasingly unsure. "You didn't see me…" She mumbled, looking down awkwardly as she gripped her paper cup; she bit her bottom lip for a little before her head shot up again. "You went to school with my parents?" She prompted with a hopeful smile on her face.

This could have been anyone's daughter. Anyone's. But from the heart shaped frame of her face, the borrowed pallor from two pale parents and the unassuming bashfulness was way too familiar.

The answer was staring at him with a coy crooked smile. "Edward's daughter?" He asked himself this more than he asked her.

Her eyes lit up, the green in them illuminating eerily with her delight. Jasper felt very uneasy. But the girl didn't notice as she stepped closer to his table. "Yes!" She squeaked slightly before clearing her throat. "What are you doing here?" She asked with conjured casualness.

Jasper couldn't tell whether he wanted to laugh or cry at the lunacy of this moment and this inconveniently small town. "I should be asking you the same thing." He spoke distractedly. Of all the places this girl could be and she was right here with him of all people. "This isn't exactly where the cool kids hang out." He joked lamely, indicating to the slow business of the lonely coffee shop.

"I wouldn't really know." The girl laughed modestly, chewing on her bottom lip.

His smile probably trembled with his nerves; he had no idea what to think. Were her parents nearby? "Oh, I don't believe that." He mumbled, running his eyes over the small coffee shop quickly and breathing deeply when he realized she was there alone.

Jasper turned his focus back on the fidgeting girl; she was shifting from one leg to the other and avoiding eye contact.

She was so unassuming…like her mother.

Edward had fallen in love with the humble introversion that Bella Swan had offered in her charming smile. It was the same reserved nature that had stolen Edward's heart away from him.

This dark haired girl was a beautifully cruel package of all the people who once hurt him and now haunted him.

The way she bit into her lip self consciously set his teeth on edge; she was the product of a life stolen from him.

It didn't matter that he had more than most people could hope to have, her parents included; Jasper just never got over the one that ran away.

His tortured contemplations held them in silence and it must have been too uncomfortable for the girl. "I'm sorry." Her nervous smile was the sweetest atonement for her presumed imposition. "You probably wanna be alone." The way her eyelashes swept her cheeks as she looked down at her shoes oddly reminded him of himself.

Odd and insecure but with so much potential.

But the fact remained, their paths were two that should have never crossed and they were already too close.

Whether she was aware of it or not.

He knew he should have callously dismissed the girl, there was definitely a part of him that wanted to, but there was some unexplained craving that simply demanded her presence. Her almond shaped eyes wavered between his contemplative ones and the front door.

He wanted to do the right thing but he wasn't sure what it was.

Until then he could afford to make new friends.

"Not right now."

* * *

After a few preliminary moments of awkwardness, Jasper found the once shy, speechless girl to be quite the conversationalist; something that could be easily associated with her father. Even though it was very uncomfortable to liken the girl to the man he lost his virginity to, it was impossible not to. She had his smile, his playfulness, his intellect and a slight intuition that made it seem as if she could read his mind.

They had been enjoying amiable conversation for what felt like hours, in that time he learned that her name was Mary Alice Cullen, she was 22 and she attended University of Washington majoring in Psychology. He found it peculiar that she was so interested in that career; she had explained that some people's minds were seemingly impenetrable and she wanted to make her to job to get through it.

She was sweet, bubbly and had a keen eye for every mood he was in; whenever he'd grow slightly sullen over his awkward position, she would immediately react with curious concern. She was a very sharp young woman and with every second he grew dangerously more interested in learning every depth to this small woman.

As he watched Alice scoot slightly closer toward him, Jasper convinced himself that there was absolutely nothing wrong with two strangers conversing; on various occasions he had told himself that there was nothing improper or unseemly with the way they interacted.

This was completely innocent.

He was innocent.

At least that was what Jasper was trying to convince himself as he started to notice the womanly curves hidden underneath her pink baby tee and how full her rose tinted lips looked.

His sexuality to this day was very much undefined and with his hectic schedule his 'long term' relationships never lasted for very long.

His first lover was a man but over time he experienced the touch of both man and woman; the most profound occurring around the time of his college. After a spontaneous stint as a model, he was offered a more lucrative job as the photographer's assistant; his name was Peter and even though his 'innocence' had been taken, he was still quite innocent when they met.

Over time he lost little pieces of that innocence with women like Maria or Lucy, or men like Peter or Garret.

But he was essentially still moral and at the back of his mind, with every blushing smile from Alice, he knew that to others it may appear that, he, a man twice her age had some very impure intentions toward her.

Thankfully, there was nobody to pay attention to their pleasant exchange.

Because he was sure there was no other way that this would be interpreted.

In the middle of Alice explaining her coursework for the past semester, tinny piano music erupted from her bag. Her eyes widened at the interruption before she swiftly retrieved the phone, signaling for quiet with one wiggling finger in Jasper's direction.

Jasper watch

Alice's smile was sweetly apologetic as she turned back around to face him, "Sorry about that, I-" Her downcast eyes were filled with adorable embarrassment.

"Your mother?" Jasper guessed.

Alice nodded, taking another sip from her cup. "Yeah, she's visiting my grandparents with dad."

Jasper had been wondering the whole time how she was sitting right there before him, he was desperate for an explanation. "Didn't want to go?"

"I just can't deal with another night of people forgetting I'm not ten anymore." Alice laughed sardonically. Jasper noted the diminutive size of the young woman before him; what she lacked in size, she amply made up for in character. There was a girlishness to her in her blushing cheeks and shy smiles, but Jasper could see the potential of her youth and how it flower into womanhood; she so beautiful within her blossom.

Jasper's hand was dangerously close to Alice's, even though he knew things would spiral out of control if they touched. "I understand." He truly sounded like he did. "You're a woman now, a _very_ beautiful one too." The most peculiar crimson glow had risen on her cheeks as she hid her smile behind her coffee cup. In a world with vain half dressed models, innocence was a rarity. But as much as he found it bemusing and refreshing, he found it disturbing how much she looked like her father when she'd give him a half grin.

"What, you don't trust me?" He laughed at her playful challenging smirk. "I've taken pictures of a lot of beautiful people in a lot of beautiful places." He reminded her of his profession, hoping to convince her.

"Yeah?" She sighed dreamily.

"Mmhmm." Jasper hummed into his tea.

Alice lit up suddenly. "So, you've probably been everywhere, haven't you?" He nodded amusedly at her excited tone. "I'd love to do that, see the world." She sighed wistfully.

"Best decision I've made so far." Jasper nodded, stretching slightly. As he glanced toward the window, surprise took over his features. "Wow."

Instead of following Jasper's view, she kept her eyes on him. "What?" She asked.

Jasper turned back toward Alice, amused by her confusion. "Sun's gone down."

"Huh? Oh." Shock turned to deflation as she looked out the window to find stars peeking out at them from a deep purple sky and deserted streets A sad smile crossed her face as she fingered the rim of her coffee cup with her baby-pink painted nail.

Jasper's chair squeaked slightly against the brown tiles as he moved to get up. Alice stared at the up next to the table where Jasper was collecting his things. The sadness in her face deepened with the jingle of his keys. Suddenly, he looked expectantly towards her sitting form. "Well, are you coming?"

Alice looked adorably flummoxed for a few moments before her features straightened in comprehension. "Oh, no." She gasped. Her eyes widened as her fingers tightened around her empty coffee mug. "I don't live too far from here, I'll just walk."

Her hazel eyes had the most enticing glint of green in them, Jasper thought as a scary realization came over him.

He was starting to_ like_ this girl.

The same girl who was the product of her father's betrayal.

He had no business being around the girl and really should run in the other direction, but his attraction toward her begged otherwise.

His offer that he had once thought was common courtesy now felt strangely double edged. He was desperate to back out but at the same time he was desperate to spend more time with her. "Now, what kind of friend of your parent's would I be if I let their only daughter walk home in the dark?" He asked kindly, hoping that she'd argue with him further.

Disappointment came in the form of bright eyes and an eager smile. "Thanks."

* * *

"Would you believe me if I told you that I think I've been waiting for you?" asked Alice quietly as she leaned against the arm of the sofa in the Cullen living room.

Jasper, already a little nervous, was absentmindedly staring at a picture of Alice with her family. "Waiting for me?" He asked in her direction.

It was silent as the two of them lounged in the living room. "Yes."

As the sofa dipped down next to his seat, he put the family picture down and focused on Alice. "Waiting for what?" He asked curiously.

When Jasper had pulled up into the driveway of Alice's house, her eyes immediately begged him to speak after a half hour of tense silence. Just before he could come up with an appropriately awkward ending to this awkward occurrence, she had offered him a drink. At the sound of Jasper's immediate refusal, Alice looked infinitely tinier in the passenger seat of his family's sedan that he'd borrowed. Jasper couldn't bear to make her feel small, so after consistent reassurance that her parents were staying the night with her grandparents, Jasper conceded to _one_ drink.

Now, he was wondering what had happened to that drink and why Alice's hand was on his shoulder all of a sudden. The answer became clear as Alice's soft lips made slow and sinfully sweet contact with the side of his face. Stretching as far away from her on the loveseat as he could, he avoided looking directly at her as he shook his head. "I can't." He told her.

It wasn't until that moment that he realized how far in denial that he really was; he had to have known that she would proposition him.

"You _can_." She assured, moving closer to him with slow precision. "I've seen the way you look at me; it's the same way I look at you." The aggressive approach that she was now exhibiting further confused Jasper; he couldn't understand where she got the confidence from.

No matter how tempting her hands felt on the bare skin of his arms, or the idea of how her tight body would feel wrapped around him; he couldn't ignore the fact that she was Edward's daughter. "You don't understand." His words were dull and lifeless as he knew she'd never understand why the feeling of her against him both pained and pleasured him.

Alice smiled softly at him, refusing to be rebuffed. "This is about my dad isn't it?" She guessed and it momentarily startled him before he realized she had no way of knowing the truth. "He doesn't have to know." She whispered jokingly into his ear before tugging at it with her teeth.

As he felt her small hand creeping up the inseam of his jeans, he had to grit his teeth against her dark temptation. "I would know." He rasped out, trying so hard not to moan at the wicked lick she gave to his neck.

She abruptly moved to straddle Jasper's sitting hips, he nearly gasped at her closer proximity. "You don't want me?" She chuckled deeply as she grinded harder into his bulge. "No, I don't think that's it." She laughed again before running her hands through his curly blond hair.

"Alice-" He nearly stuttered her name as he felt her hands unbutton his fly quickly.

Any further protests were silenced by the feeling of her lips on his. "Jasper, I want you," she moaned in his mouth.

As he tangled his hand in her swinging black hair, he decided to forget whose daughter she was and enjoy the feeling of her warm body lightly grinding into his hard-on. His lips combated hers ardently, trying to gain control of the feelings her body made him feel.

Jasper followed Alice's retreating lips as she abruptly leaned back on his lap to pull her shirt over her head.

She was very quick as she hiked up her tiny skirt, wiggling around his hips in a strangely graceful fashion. For just a moment, she rose off of him to tug her panties off just barely past her knees, not caring to take them fully off before she climbed back onto Jasper's naked lap.

There was nothing but her naked body pressed tightly against his own naked chest; the feeling of her nipples rubbing over his skin further excited him. She didn't tremble or look unsure as she rubbed her wet arousal against him, moaning softly. She was radiant as she closed her eyes and allowed his hands to run over her smooth skin, the innocence in her blushing face was replaced by a voracious stare aimed at his hardened sex.

Everything felt sped up as she maneuvered herself over his hard cock, there was a pause in her movements but she only stilled for a moment before the tip of his erection was rubbing against his entrance. Jasper whose hands had been rubbing Alice's tender breasts moved quickly down to her hips to steady her over him. As she began to push down, she looked slightly uncomfortable and Jasper couldn't understand why until he felt himself moving further into her body. She was tight, _so_ tight, as she took him inside of her. Her nails pierced the skin of his tensing back as he continued to push into her wet walls; hoping to make her relax enough around his formidable size, he continued his passionate caresses and kisses.

As soon as he was as far he could go, Alice rose off of his wet cock slowly hissing with the momentary loss of him inside of her. Jasper could feel her shaky breaths against his ear with every slow pump inside of her, but he was so close. He reached down quickly to rub her clit while still licking and sucking her neck. She felt so tight and warm against him, he was dangerously close to coming inside of her. Her kisses and touches were sporadic and fleeting as she focused to move steadily on top of him; Jasper could feel her racing heartbeat against him, feel her back arch with effort.

As time went on and her moans picked up, she began to bounce slowly on his lap; every time she'd come down slowly on top of him, she'd wince slightly before moaning his name. The scent of their sex, her soft lulling cries in her ears and the creaminess of her body surrounding his had his mouth open in a silent scream. He had been trying so hard to maintain control of himself from the moment he met her but he just couldn't hold on anymore; with another upward stroke, he found his completion inside of her; moaning quietly into her neck as she stroked his arms and back softly.

As he calmed and reveled in the way she was still wrapped around him, he began to notice the look on her face. It was something about her bewildered look, her shaky limbs that made him wonder about something for the first time. As she looked at him, everything swirled in her eyes in an extremely familiar way; he held her still putting his hands on her once again blushing cheeks. "Was I your first?" His voice was barely a whisper as he asked the unfathomable.

Before her hiding eyes can show him an answer, the slamming of a car door and footsteps against pavement aren't nearly as alerting to the fact that he had just taken the virginity of Edward's daughter, the man who had taken his.

Alice's misted hazel eyes held the same look of fear, but he couldn't tell if their fears were the same.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Again, there's no beta so forgive any mistakes. **

**Hope you liked it, I'd love some feedback :)**

**Thanks for reading. **


	4. Jacking Off

**A/N:**

**Alright, I don't know how to say it. **

**So I'll just say it, this is sorta femmeslash.**

**I've never written it before, it just happened that way.**

**Hope you like. **

**SM owns. **

* * *

I know what the message says before I open it; yet this is the third time I've checked my email in less than ten minutes.

I wonder when my heart will learn to stop leaping at the sight of his name.

_I'm sorry, Angela. _

_I don't think I can make it out to Seattle this weekend._

_Something's come up. _

_Miss you, call you soon. _

_-Ben_

Typical, I think, before I close out of my account; I stare at the log in page blankly.

I sigh as my as my head is filled with the sound of crunching cereal and replayed speculations as to what has made him cancel on me for the third time this month.

I feel my glasses slip down the bridge of my nose as I look down towards my idle phone; his ringtone hasn't sounded in two days now.

I don't know what's worse: the fact that he's so cavalier about disappointing me or the fact that I've started to get used to it. My shaking hand grips my cereal bowl a little tighter, in fear of spilling my cornflakes all over the periwinkle carpet of this lonely apartment.

Fear.

That's such an indefinable concept for me these days.

I ignore the slight burn of my left toe skimming quickly across the carpet as I sway a little in our swiveling desk chair; I face the direction of the living room window, staring at the steely grey sky. I lean my head on the leg that's propped up on the chair sighing at the same inescapable view.

There's nothing special here, especially not me; maybe that's why he's not here.

The jingling of keys and the turning of a lock break me out of my stare with the cloudy sky.

Flat slapping from her trademark converse echoes from the doorway as I hear my cousin come in.

I don't have the energy to speak first so it isn't until she rounds the corner that I hear her surprised voice. "Wow, you're up."

The astonishment in Bella's tone both offends and saddens me; I'm so tightly coiled in my seat with my legs folded beneath my chin and my response comes out kind of muffled. "Trying something new today." I mutter sarcastically into the knees of my SpongeBob pajamas.

She hooks her sparkly blue nails into the belt loops of her faded blue jeans after she places her coat and bag near the couch. "Being awake before dinner?" She probes, giving me this look my mother gives me before asking if I'm sick or something.

I can't really begrudge her bewilderment towards my unexpected consciousness. This is the first time she's seen me during the day in almost a month. If I'm not in class, I'm sleeping. Sometimes, I'm just plain sleeping in class. And on the weekends, she's so busy and I'm so detached that we're basically passing ships.

It's half past three in the afternoon, on a Saturday. I've only been awake for thirty minutes and the only reason I even got up turned out to be yet another disappointment; so now I'm left with nothing to do but spin in this chair and contemplate the pitiful position my life now resides in.

I watch the familiar look of burden bury her youthful features; I really wish she wouldn't worry about me. "Where have you been?" I ask with casual interest, hoping she'll sail right by her concerns over me.

My question isn't very effective, but her face smoothes slightly into placidity. She walks over and sits down in front of me on the carpet. "I was studying at the library, I left early." She shrugs, playing with her bracelet.

I hadn't heard her leave this morning. I had spent the whole night, like every night for the past month or so, studying in my room while waiting for my phone to ring. Right before the sun can rise and my eyes start to reread the same paragraphs twice; I finally stop hoping for my phone to ring and crash into my pillows until it's time for me to repeat the night over and over again. My drifting thoughts cover my brain as I answer her distractedly. "Oh." I smile, but it must be broken because it doesn't work on her.

The dullness of my tone causes her to look directly at me, all her worry rushing back to her brown eyes. "I didn't mean to take so long." She sighs, looking guilty. I fold into myself further; I probably look pathetic sitting around with my bowl of cereal and ratty pajamas. I feel even worse for making her feel more responsible for me; more than she already does. "I thought you had a study group, too. With Jennifer?" She prompts hopefully.

She's been hinting at mixers, parties, study groups, or just about anything that will make me get out of the house.

But she doesn't understand; she doesn't understand what it's like, she never has.

"Jessica," I correct pointedly, even though it's not her fault I'm constantly shutting her out. "And no, she had plans with her boyfriend today." I find this hard to admit for some reason. It's not like I'm upset or embarrassed because Jessica canceled on me; I'm quite used to it being canceled on at this point. But it's the fact that she, just like everyone I know, has something better to do.

And I don't.

My condition is looking bleaker by the day; I have gotten the same sympathetic looks from my cousin for weeks now. "Oh." She mutters, looking down slightly. She runs her hands through her hair fretfully before looking at me again. "Angela do you think maybe-"

Just before Bella can go into another pseudo-intervention about the lifeless status of my life; the front door is opened for the second time.

Bella stands up quickly at the unexpected interruption; I look around her body from my seat as she stands in front of me, almost shielding me.

I can't see much with her in the way, but I hear a tired huff loud and clear. "God, the parking really fucking sucks here, you know that B?" Her voice is unrecognizable, but easily distinctive; its throatiness belies a toughness and tenderness that mixes quite evenly. I can't remember ever hearing a voice like that, it's incomparable.

I watch Bella's body relax from its tensed stance in front of me; she must recognize the owner of the voice. "Oh, wow, I totally forgot you were coming." She chuckles, shaking her head at herself.

A dramatic gasp travels from the kitchen as I hear heavy footsteps pass through it on the way to us, "You forgot me, Bella?" She snickers. "You wound me…willing to make it better?" She purrs playfully.

Bella walks toward our unapologetically abrupt guest, finally unblocking my view.

Standing in the grayish light of our unlit living room is a walking pinup. I've never met her before; I only know this because if I had met someone that looked the way that she does, the memory would have been burned across my eyes and memory forever.

Bella gives her own snort at the suggestive joke before turning back to me. "Angie, this is my friend Rosalie." My cousin jerks her thumb in her much taller friend's direction in way of introduction before indicating me. "Rose, this is my little cousin Angela." She smiled at me dotingly; I felt the oddest tinge of resentment at the reference of my immaturity in front of this woman.

As if I needed to feel _more_ minimal in front of her model material friend.

The first thing I notice is the bloody red bow of her lips painted in perfect contrast to her unblemished pale face, they're curved in a smirking smile with deep dimples framing each corner Just above her mouth is the perfect curve of her nose, sloping flawlessly between the apples of her rosy cheeks. Her eyes are framed by long sweeping eyelashes; the irises are the deepest blue, almost violet. But for some reason, I didn't want to stare too long into them. The prominent structure of her face is surrounded by wild, tousled blonde hair. The kind you get from staying out all night partying or making love. I couldn't tell which one of these applied for her. Yet, the lengthy locks had a carefree style to them, like an underwater mermaid.

I quickly scan the length of her tall, statuesque body; every curve of the girl's body is directed to catch every eye. Her tight red leather pants fit so perfectly to her curvaceous form; she wears them like her body was the mold they made those pants out of. Her black tank top is stretched tightly over her chest, resting just above her pierced navel; the glint of it, sparkling against her perfectly pale skin unexplainably irritates me just a little. Her long leather encased legs led down to perfectly polished boots; they look expensive just like the rest of her.

Even though her attitude and outfit screams rebel, she wears them both with an air of uncanny grace. She's like Marilyn Monroe…if she'd been a trashy biker or something. Her slender fingers are laced on her voluptuous hips, making them stand out in her commanding stance. She's the kind of person that expects attention instead of shying away from it, like me.

Her bright roguish smile manages to capture light that I'm not even sure exists in the room; she tosses a set of keys into the air repeatedly, catching it each time with She looks like a cocky cat batting its toy around.

I bet she's used to that sort of thing: playing with people, moving them around like pieces on a game board, breaking and taking hearts just because she could. I knew girls like her, I grew up with them. They were the girls that shined a little brighter, so they made girls like me fade away in their shadow. They were unique and special; not mousy little girls like me.

I bet a girl like her would be the reason why Ben didn't have the time to come slumming it back here.

I'm not a judgmental person, my nose is usually happily stuck in a book and not in others' businesses; but I can feel my face scrunching up in skepticism and suspicion at the very presence of my cousin's obscenely beautiful friend.

There's something very off about her, I just know it.

And I don't like the way she seems to focus on my unimpressive bed hair and night clothes, her mirthful smirk seems to deepen at the appearance of the nautical sponge pattern on my pants. I feel wrinkled and pale in comparison to her. And honestly, I feel kinda lame with cartoon pajamas while she's wearing fucking leather pants.

Are leather pants even in season?

Well, I refuse to feel uncomfortable in my own home…I can save that for awkward small talk in public.

Ignoring Rosalie entirely, I remove myself from the chair and head toward the kitchen with my bowl. "I was born three days after you." I call behind myself, as I walk away.

I'm almost done washing my bowl out when I hear someone come up behind me. "What are you eating?" She inquires curiously.

Her simple question confuses me somewhat and I'm once again uncomfortable around her. "Cornflakes and I'm finished." I answer shortly.

Getting tired of talking to the side of me, she sits up quickly on the counter beside me, staring at me until I look up. "Did you know that the maker-" She's wearing this silly grin that never fades in the face of my irritability.

Just before she can excitedly finish her sentence_, _she's interrupted_. "Rose." _Bella calls out with reprimand, suddenly standing in the kitchen fixing Rosalie with a scornful stare.

Rosalie winks at me before looking up with a comic look of innocence. "What?" She asks with fake naivety, folding her arms.

Bella folds her own arms, never lowering her reproachful stare. "You know what." My exasperated cousin points out flatly.

Their mysterious stare down bores me, so I poke Rosalie in her swinging shin causing her to jump and turn to me. "What about the maker?" I push.

Her sly smile returns as she opens her mouth to speak. "Nevermind." Bella cuts her off again, tugging Rosalie out of the kitchen with her. "We'll be in my room if you need anything." My cousin yells out, hastening out of the room.

As I'm shrugging at their weirdness and finishing drying my bowl, I hear Rosalie whisper to Bella, "Hey, B. Maybe we could bring her." My focus returns to them as I set the bowl back in the cupboard.

I step out into the hallway. "Bring me where?" I mumble unsurely; hoping to come off intimidating, I cross my arms quickly.

"No," Bella shakes her head, not even acknowledging me. "Angela isn't really into that sort of thing." My cousin never wants to let me in on anything she does, always thinks I'm way too weak to do anything but grocery shop or go to the movies. Just as I'm about to point out how lame I think she is, Rosalie snickers from between us.

Rosalie pushes a joking elbow into my cousin's ribs. "What sort of thing?" She asks sarcastically. "It's a club, not a meth lab."

"Club?" I step closer to them in obvious excitement.

Bella's always saying I need to get out more and this does seem more fun than doing laundry and listening for my phone to ring.

Bella rolls her eyes at Rosalie's smirk and my inquisitive look. "Alright, come on and we'll help you get ready." Her smile is as kind as usual, and once she stops worrying about my fragility she really looks less stressed. "This should be fun, Angie." She nods genuinely.

I don't forget Rosalie standing near me, but she just _has_ to make herself known. "Yeah, you look like you could use a little." Rosalie's hair bounces with her laughter as she followed us into Bella's room.

I _really_ don't like her.

* * *

I had always thought Ben would take me out to my first club.

The experience I'm having now couldn't have gone more differently; instead of dancing the night away with my boyfriend I've been sipping on cranberry vodka the whole night...alone.

The irony of feeling alone in a building full of sweaty, horny people is not lost on me.

Well, I'm not completely alone.

As soon as we had gotten here, Bella had made a beeline toward the bar where her boyfriend, Edward, worked. She gave strict instructions for me and Rose to stay in plain view, to stick together and to wait for her to get back to the table in a little while.

That was two hours ago.

So guess who got stuck being babysat by Bella's weirdo friend while she gets to sneak kisses under the bar?

It's like everyone's forgotten that I'm 21.

I don't look over at Rosalie as I brood about her unwanted presence for the millionth time tonight. She's just so _strange_; she swears every five minutes, orders the _weirdest_ drinks and she completely ignores every guy here who has hit on her. I guess maybe they don't pose enough of a challenge for her. Girls like her probably love challenges.

And on top of everything else, every time I look over at her I catch her staring right at me. It's like she's about to say something but when I look at her she gets this frustrated look on her face like I'm bugging her. She really doesn't have to watch me; I've been saying this the whole time.

I'm perfectly capable of being alone without her; I already feel alone with her sitting right beside me.

Though, as weird as she is, nobody could say she doesn't look amazing tonight. She has her long blonde hair styled in this overcomplicated up-do, she's wearing a too-short champagne pink halter dress that gives off way too much cleavage if you ask me, and to top it off, she's wearing these pink pumps that make her legs look unnecessarily leaner and longer.

I guess she's beautiful in that _perfect_ way…if you're into that sort of thing.

It's not like she really needs all this stuff to make her look pretty; she could do that wearing a potato sack.

I bet she already knows that.

I bet that's why she keeps looking at me.

I probably look like a nun in my little blue dress that actually covers my knees, and my hair probably looks drab and lank in comparison to her wonderfully coiffed waves.

I know why she keeps looking at me; she knows that even at my best I could never be better than her.

That's probably why my boyfriend isn't here with me; he probably realizes it too.

At the thought of my Ben schtooping about with some blonde bimbo, I turn to her, wobbling slightly with the effort.

Maybe there was more vodka than cranberry in those drinks.

Just as I'm about to tell Rosalie off, which I think is quite important, she starts talking to me. "Angela, like Angel right?" Her lips are suddenly very close to my ear and I swallow a lump of nerves.

Maybe I could tell her off later.

It's such an odd question, which is typical because she's so odd. "Yeah, I guess." I sigh, not really paying much attention to her. I wonder if I ask to go home now if Bella will still think I'm clinically depressed.

"Well, Angel, how about a dance?" At her suggestion, I do pay attention to her. I notice the close proximity of her tattooed shoulder to mine; she has me up against the wall of the booth. How did I get so far over?

I focus on the flaming heart inked onto the smooth skin of her shoulder. "With you?" I squeak. I wish I could pull off that calm and sure tone my cousin has or the sultry flow that comes from Rose.

I watch Rose's fingers dance on the side of my empty glass. "Or you could just dance with some other guy and I can watch." She whispers. I don't understand why she just winked at me, but I figure there isn't much reason to hate Rosalie except for her ability to make me look plainer.

It's not her fault she was born special and I wasn't.

Deciding to bury the hatchet with my cousin's strange yet friendly study buddy, I down the rest of my drink and slap it down on the table. "Fine, I'm drunk enough."

Her smile is off-putting in its radiance and stuns me a little. I must be wasted. "Come on, then." She grasps my cold hand into her own, warming it immediately. Her hands are like the softest petals as she lifts me from my seat; she doesn't let go of my hand as she leads me away from our table and to the pulsing dance floor.

When we make it to the middle of the room, her firm grasp on my hand eventually leaves me, but it's soon replaced with a steady hold on my waist as she moves both of her hands to my hips. Her grip burns through the fabric of my dress and I don't understand the reaction I have as I feel her thumbs rub my hipbones.

I'm suddenly tense as she lifts my wooden arms around her neck; I don't understand why I feel so nervous around her all of a sudden. It's just two girls dancing around; this is supposed to be fun. I dance with Bella all the time.

Maybe I feel edgy because this is all so new to me.

But I'm determined to have fun again; I give her a smile before beginning to slowly sway to the music. She smiles in encouragement moving in perfect synchronicity to my timid steps. As the music intensifies and the lights glow brighter and faster, I feel more carefree than I have in such a long time. Rosalie's arms are the perfect tether as I start to move quicker to the crashing beats surrounding us. I feel my heart race as she moves her hands to mine, lacing our fingers as we move rhythmically in the sea of bodies immersing us. She beings to spin me around again and again, her smile growing wider at my inaudible laughs as we float around to the beat of some ambient techno beat.

We may have been dancing for minutes, but it feels like hours as I am spun around in her careful hands. My head is filled with noise and sensation; I don't pay attention to anything but the hot feeling surrounding me in the club, the strong beat of my heart and the rhythm of the song.

And then the lights dim down and the music fades away.

The song changes and upon registering it as a song that Ben used to like, my eyes open and everything's different. I can feel Rosalie's cheek against mine as she gently sways with me amongst the other couples dancing.

It feels wrong all of a sudden, her hands aren't the ones that I need.

I shouldn't be here; maybe Ben's been trying to call me in this loud fucking club and I've been missing it.

I have to go.

"I wanna go home." I whisper, ignoring the way my glasses fog up in parallel with my stinging eyes.

With our closeness, Rosalie still hears me; she raises her head off of my shoulder, peering into my distressed face. "Okay, Angel." She whispers back.

I hate myself for ruining our good time, but it doesn't stop me from pulling myself from her arms and searching for the quickest exit.

* * *

After some hushed words to my cousin, Rosalie had escorted me out of the club and quickly into a cab home.

I sobered up about halfway through, leaning against her chest the whole way there.

I had checked my phone the second we had gotten out of the club; the only thing there had been a text from Bella saying she'd be home as soon as the club closed. I remember moving closer into Rose's arms as I swallowed down the disappointment of it not being Ben.

I untie my hair as I sit in the living room with Rose. "Sorry about this." I apologize after a half hour of tense silence. "You really don't have to stay." I remind Rosalie for the tenth time since we've gotten here.

Rosalie kicks her heels off from her seat on the arm of our couch. "And let Bella skin me alive for leaving you alone…" She laughs, rubbing her sore toes.

"I'm not a baby." I mutter, passing her on the way to the kitchen.

As I rummage through the kitchen for a midnight snack, I hear Rosalie snicker from behind me. "Oh, I know that." I can't tell whether she's being serious or not; I turn towards her meeting her stare. "Besides I'd rather stay here, better after party than I could have planned." She winks settling onto the kitchen counter.

I ignore the peculiar way she watches me, turning back to the refrigerator and pulling out my round freezing prize. "Suit yourself," I shrug moving toward the microwave. "I'm probably just gonna eat frozen pizza and watch Friends reruns."

"Sounds good to me." She moans out, stretching slightly on the counter.

The silence between us is only filled with the hum of the rotating microwave; I stare at my bare feet on the tiles of the kitchen floor. I feel like I should say something to her, thank her for her kindness. But everything I come up with sounds super lame.

I look up, thinking that maybe a pizza peace offering would suffice and catch her staring at me _again_. "Why do you keep looking at me?" I snap causing Rosalie to chuckle in amusement.

Her smile becomes smaller as she looks at the ground beneath her. She looks almost shy when she looks at me again. "Because you're pretty." She shrugs.

The way her eyes manage sparkle at me in the fluorescent kitchen light gives me a peculiar chill, I turn back to the beeping microwave. "Yeah, right." I drawl taking the cooked pizza out of the microwave.

"No point in lying." She says as I hear her feet make contact with the kitchen floor. I don't know why, but my body tenses in anticipation as I hear her steps come nearer to me.

I close my eyes trying to still my flurried thoughts as I suddenly feel the length of her body against my back. We're almost about the same height; where her leonine form is filled out with plush curves and I'm just a stringy beanpole. I feel her arms on either side of me as she boxes me in against the counter; my heart stills as I feel her bend slightly towards my ear.

I feel her inhale the skin behind my ear and suddenly things are clearer; her constant staring and her complete lack of interest in other guys.

She _likes _me.

Wait, she likes _me_.

She likes little Angela Webber from Forks, Washington.

This amazing looking woman was running her fingers on the hips of boring and plain Angela.

I feel an odd mix of surprise, confusion, and ill placed pride at her evident attraction to me.

Was that appropriate?

I don't have time to think about it as she turns me quickly to face her. Her eyes search mine for something and she must be able to find it because soon her plump pink lips are lowering to mine.

I'd never wanted to kiss a girl before; I can't understand where my sudden curiosity is coming from.

As crazed as things have gotten in the past five minutes, I still can't forget one thing.

Just as she closes her eyes, I panic. "Boyfriend." I blurt out, ducking away from her.

I almost don't catch the hurt on her face as she watches me retreat to the far end of the kitchen, my chest heaving with frenzied breaths. She quirks up another smile, moving out of the kitchen. "Relax, Angel." She snickers softly. "I was only trying my luck." Her wink isn't as genuine as I felt they once were, and each one she's given me has new meaning.

I can't deal with this right now.

"I need to change." I call out shakily to her in the living room

"Sure," she calls out quietly before I hear the TV get turned on.

I stumble to the sanctuary of my room, with a constant thought: what the hell just happened?

* * *

As I take off my dress, I try to stop my heart from hammering in my chest.

My cousin's female friend just came onto me in the kitchen.

She almost kissed me.

And I fucking wanted her to.

This is not okay.

Wait, it can be okay.

I'll just pretend like it never happened, and I'm sure she'll go alone with it.

I think I can go one level further into denial; I'm already living in it every day.

Sounds like a reasonable plan.

I can do that.

I feel a tinge of paranoia, and my notions are confirmed as I look over to the left. "What are you doing?" I gasp, noticing her watching me in the doorway.

Her smile is lazy, but still so lovely as she stands there staring at me. "Pushing my luck." Her voice drags as she passes the threshold. My heart skips a beat as I notice the way she's staring at my half naked figure. "From the moment I saw you, I felt like you were hiding." Her confession is almost surreal; I am shocked beyond belief as I search for another shirt.

I look away from her, heading for my dresser. "Hiding what?" I am distracted as I frantically search for my elusive nightshirt.

I'm still in my bra and panties as I move away from her approaching form; my room is darker than the brightly lit hallway. "The fact that you need something." She continues. "And just because I can't have a taste doesn't mean you don't deserve a little fun." She smirks; her eyes hold so many secrets. They're the brightest things in my room, sparking like burning sapphires.

I feel heat lick the length of my spine as she continues moving toward me. "Fun? What kind of fun?" I ask suspiciously as she moves farther into my room.

She licks her lips, smiling slightly at my shocked expression. "You're gonna touch yourself." She says matter of factly.

My eyes grow wide at her statement; I would never do that in front of anyone. "No," I reject the idea quickly, even though somewhere inside of me is in total agreement of it. "I- I don't want-" My denial is weak as each word is stuttered.

I back farther away as I feel her eyes caress every part of my exposed body. I feel my calves hit the foot of my bed just before I accidentally fall onto it. "There's nothing to be ashamed of." She speaks in a lulling tone from above me, hypnotizing me with every word. "You need to be taken care of, Angel." Her voice is almost arresting; I can already feel the nervous tension leaving my locked body. "Don't you want to feel good?" The question hangs tantalizingly on my ears, echoing through my mind.

Fear battles arousal in a vicious war from inside of me.

She's right, and I can't deny it.

It's been too long.

I sigh shakily, relaxing into the bed. "That's right, beautiful." She soothes in my ear, as she watches my fingers slip past the rim of my lacey black panties. "Make yourself feel good." I tenderly rub at the crisp hairs surrounding my aching sex. I can't believe how much wetness is surrounding my sensitive lips. The very scent of her is arousing; so different from the manly odor of my boyfriend, her floral scent permeates the air mixing with my arousal.

I close my eyes, tamping down the panic at the feelings she gives me; I just want to focus on the pleasure I'm about to give myself. Just as I'm calming, her voice fills the room once more. "You have beautiful skin, you know?" She mutters rhetorically from my side, I never even felt her get onto the bed. I feel her scoot closer to me as my fingers brush lightly over my clitoris. "Skin like sun-kissed sand; I wanna taste it, Angel." She hums, watching me shiver at the feeling of my fingers exploring my wet folds.

I can feel my juices seep into my panties, as I hesitantly circle my eager opening. "Your tits are perfect; I want to hear you moan when I squeeze them." As I slip one finger slowly inside of myself, I can almost feel her hands ghosting on my stiff nipples; I'm nearly frightened at my desire to feel her lips on them. She's not even touching me but all I can think about is her hands softly holding my heavy breasts. I'm suddenly more aware of all the heat licking at my body, more so than ever before.

I can't stop panting as I feel her fingers running softly through my hair; I can't control my spasms as my finger presses deeper inside of me. "If you wanted me to, I'd suck you until there was nothing left." Something tightens fiercely inside of me at her promise, I whine loudly in response. "I wouldn't stop until you came all over my mouth." She hisses as I add another finger to my needy sex.

Her eyes are fixed on my fast fingers, pumping quickly into my drenched opening. "It's _my_ tongue in your pussy that you're thinking of, isn't it? Tell me." She demands harshly in my ear; I arch into her, moaning desperate agreement as I fuck myself faster and faster.

I can feel myself getting closer and closer as my walls clamped tighter on my fingers. "That's right, don't be scared." Rosalie purrs, planting kisses on my cheeks and neck. "I wanna see you come, Angel." She urges; as I rubbed harder on my clit I feel her warm hand rubbing on my tensing stomach. It's all the stimulation I need for my body to spiral into the sweetest helplessness.

In that moment of exhilarating completion, it's like this bright light flashes before my eyes; illuminating my entire life.

Everything I've been afraid of for the past month comes rushing through my mind as my body surrenders to the intensity of my orgasm.

I don't know whether I've been afraid of losing Ben or afraid of never finding anyone else.

Bella's always been the special one, the one everyone took such an interest in. I was always sort of 'background'. I blended in better than the air around a room, at least that explained why I was so transparent.

When Ben got accepted into NYU, I had swallowed back the tears and put on a brave face. I couldn't afford to leave Washington and part of me was afraid to know any life but this one. I had told myself that nothing had to change; Ben would come back to me every chance he got.

Ben was so special and unique; he had to find himself.

Even if that isn't with me.

I could never hold someone back from being as bright as they could be, even if I was fading away from his memory every day.

But maybe I'm not seeing myself as brightly as I do everyone else.

There's a stunning blonde woman whose sole desire is to make me come, hovering over my quivering form.

There _has_ to be something special about me.

As I finally still, I feel her drop a kiss on my forehead; my bed creaks as she moves off of it.

"Maybe next time you'll let me help." She snickers, as the sound and smell of her fades away from my room.

Just before I can even tell whether this is a disturbingly brilliant dream, a familiar ringtone comes blasting me back into life.

* * *

A/N:

**Okay, what'd you think?**

**I'd love to know :)**

**Thanks for reading. **


	5. Realism

**A/N:**

**The point of this week was to exhibit realism in fanfiction. **

**As I'm too shy to give you a peek into my life, I'm hoping a peek into a Twilight couple's life will suffice. **

**Hope you like.**

**SM owns.**

* * *

The reddish glow of another dying day siphoned through the tangled branches of uncountable trees straight to the depths of the forest floor. But the sun's last desperately brilliant rays are nothing in comparison to the incandescence of flaming red hair ripping through the air as Victoria raced acrobatically from tree to tree in direction of a scent that was both infinite and inescapable. The wind roared past her forceful body as she effortlessly moved from limb to limb; her body was built for stealth and strength. The closer she got and the faster she moved, the more the scent managed to infiltrate every particle of air surrounding that sped past her boundless body as she raced through the flora.

The tenth of the next second had barely passed before she stopped; she hung onto the thick branch of the tallest tree, tensed like a jungle cat as she surveyed the clearing where her waiting coven were tucked away. Her sight is flawless and unobstructed as she focuses her view beneath her; two recognizable figures hundreds of yards below her perch were pacing, she could almost smell their impatience. A slight breeze blows a lock of her curly hair slightly to the left, but it's enough for one of her coven members to catch her scent. A familiar voice grates clear to her ears despite the distance. "I thought I told you not to wander off."

Opting not to further test the patience of the owner of the gruff voice below her, she decided to give up her previously covert stance atop the canopy of trees. Without warning, Victoria fearlessly plummeted soundlessly from her position; her hair blew upward as she fell fast in defiance to the very laws of physics, almost as if from the skies, until she landed lithely on the leaf covered ground. "Didn't think you'd notice," she answered, after stretching out of her landing crouch. Her stalking figure was that of a lounging lioness as she heedlessly examined their new hideout. "Laurent's here if you need to hunt," she pointed out, with a toss of her hand; the blood of her evening meal still lightly stained her bone white fingers.

Her conquest could have easily been spotless, but she loved having the evidence of her kill linger; even if it was just the tiniest specks of blood under her razor sharp fingernails. Beneath her gloriously beautiful visage, she was a feral and vicious being; she was as savage as the primal humans that first dragged themselves across the Earth. There was no difference between herself and that of a carnivorous animal and she prided herself on it. Every item of clothing to ever cover her pale figure was gleaned from an individual victim in a long line of innocent lives snuffed out by her seductive hand. At the moment she was the 'owner' the brown pants of a straggling club-hopper she'd eaten and the green printed t-shirt of a struggling med student who had crossed her path.

She, like her mate, wore no shoes.

She wore only the necessities; only what would get her through an endless hunt. But it was all just a cover; merely a formality of modesty that she still clung to.

As she ambled casually further around the clearing, her slow steps were halted as she was knocked off the ground. Flying fire blew around her face in a blurring blaze as she sailed back into the nearest tree; her hard body landed roughly with a splintering crack ripping through the bark of the thick trunk of a redwood. The furious face of her mate was all Victoria could see as he was suddenly encapsulating her view. He stared menacingly into her; his hand grasped her smooth neck tightly, holding her in place. "I told _you_ to be here." James seethed his voice absolute in the still night air. Her false flippancy crumbled immediately as she faced the ire of her mate. Victoria closed her eyes, wincing at the emergence of the monster behind her man. It was a cheap denial; she had learned long ago not to glimpse into the demon that made his red eyes spark with chilling anger. Victoria remained stoic until she felt James' hostile pressure slip from her neck; she opened her eyes to the repentance on her suddenly abashed lover's face. "You know it's dangerous out there," he soothed; the blood of the innocent swirled in his eyes; somehow he managed to make himself look innocent in the process.

Victoria had grown used to the lightning fast changes in her mate's attitude and behavior; she had learned what buttons to push and which not to. Though she loved the strong, confident immortal who had made her his, she hated the momentary lapses in his attention span that made her so very secondary. She hated the way she felt when his eyes would alight with rekindled passion for something other than her.

The suddenly vulnerable vampire ducked from out of her lover's slackened grip; she took an unnecessary breath before composing her heavenly features back into its former ambiguity. "I know that, James. I'm just not sure that you do." Her words carried weight that her facetious voice didn't. But her words scattered to the winds along with the errant leaves tossing themselves around the forest; a boyish grin enraptured James' forever youthful face as he suddenly swept his reluctant mate into an exuberant spin.

The speed of his spinning made the very scene around them appear as if the Earth's orbit were sped up; and still as the world fell away into a sightless blur, she could still see the beatific grin on her only love's face. When he looked at her that way, sometimes she could fool herself into believing he truly loved her the same way she loved him. "Danger makes this more fun." Before his extreme exultance could intoxicate her further; Victoria extricated herself from his iron grip, speedily carrying herself farther away from him, deep into the forest.

"Yes, risking our lives is always fun." She groused under her breath, not caring at all how her mate's hypersensitive hearing could pick up her every word. As she ran away, she could hear approaching footfalls of James, easily gaining on her.

Soon, he ran alongside her. He smiled cockily as he spoke to her without one word faltering from his unbelievable running speed. "You had fun last time," he bragged, drawing an annoyed sigh from Victoria. She stopped abruptly near a river bank, realizing that she'd never get away from him without a decent head start. Rolling his eyes at the way his lover of multiple lifetimes was lethally eyeing him, he decided to search for the root of her bad mood. "What's this really about?" His voice sounded so put upon and pompous, Victoria was tempted to toss him head first into the raging river. It would in no way harm his enduring body, but it'd make her feel better to see him all wet and aggravated.

Instead of acting on her fantasies, Victoria leaned against a wide trunked tree crossing her arms in obvious petulance, "Even if I felt like answering that, it's not like you'd even listen or care," she seethed, watching the river's endless flow. She could feel another storm coming and not just one that could come from the darkening cloud gathering sky.

Victoria could practically hear James' teeth grind with her cryptic words and passive aggressiveness. He really was impatient when searching for anything, including answers. "Victoria-" James started with familiar exasperation in his voice, but he was cut off by the presence of their third coven member.

The preoccupied couple had completely forgotten Laurent, but he had not forgotten them. He stood with his trademark debonair vanity and they could tell he had watched their heated exchange with delighted amusement. Laurent was radically different from his two visibly wilder companions; it showed from the Italian loafers that adorned his feet, the maroon velvet suit complimenting his dark olive complexion and the sophisticated French lilt he loved to hear in his own ears. He had an air for refinement and extravagance, where James and Victoria relied on simplicity and efficiency.

But whatever way he wanted to dress or act, he was still capable of the same savagery his mates were capable of; it showed plainly in his ruby red irises.

In that respect, they were bonded together.

A wide joking smile covered his dark face, as he noticed the tension between the usually unified that made up the other part of their coven. "Ah, dissension in the ranks, it was bound to happen sooner or later." He shook his head with mocking sympathy, a toothy grin still spread across his features. "I think I'll just leave while I still can," he nodded to himself with a grave expression as he turned his back on his coven.

Laurent didn't have time to move more than half an inch before his words had the intended effect. "What?" James snarled, a deadly dare was in his voice for Laurent to even think of taking another step. Victoria watched Laurent's shoulders shake as his quiet laughter sounded in their ears; he genuinely loved getting a rise out of his more temperamental coven mate.

Once the talk, dark man sobered, he turned back around with seriousness lacing his tone and face. "I'm just going to watch our new friends, relax." He shrugged, retreating slowly.

"I didn't tell you to do that," James complained with slight suspicion.

"Someone should." Laurent shrugged once more before giving another smile and darting smoothly away from them, his laugh still lingering with them.

James' grimace did not leave as quickly as Laurent had; he turned back to Victoria with a huff. "You see what happens when you question me?" James accused, fixing his mate with a glare.

Victoria's previous agitation aroused anew, entwining with his temper. "Don't blame me because you're losing control," she sneered.

Fury burned behind his eyes at her challenging stance; he absolutely loathed being contested. A low growl emanated from his tensed chest. "Am I?" His voice held both a threat and a question. He moved warningly close to where she stood still as stone. His face was leveled with hers as he glowered down at her with attempted intimidation.

This time James' temper would not win out against her own. "Yes," Victoria retorted dryly, pushing him away from her. "And what for?" Her sarcastic inquiry was her own accusation.

Every time James prepared to drop everything for a hunt, he swore it was because of his innate love for the hunt; that it was his nature. In response to Victoria's disparagement, he claimed that she, as his mate, should accept that. But she had never seen the light that lived in his eyes directed at her. Not even when they were intimate. When they were joined together, she burned for him. But her fire was melt with ice, harder than the marble that made up his beautiful body.

James exhaled loudly at Victoria's unnecessary difficultness. It was as if she didn't know him at all. "You _know_ what for." He stated broadly, trying to restrain himself from yelling. "You smelled her, don't say you didn't." He reminded Victoria, even as she pretended not to hear him.

James knew that the overpowering scent of that human girl had caused Victoria to salivate at the idea of a drop of that girl's blood touching her tongue. He knew that his mate had smelled the undeniable deliciousness layered in the scent of freesia and strawberries. Though it wasn't in Victoria's nature to become more interested by the way that strange coven protected her, she couldn't deny that she wanted a taste of that girl just as badly as he did.

Victoria looked bored at James' blackening eyes, hating even the mention of that young human girl. "Is that all this is?" She sulked, watching James kick rocks into the river.

He shrugged by the water's edge, watching each tiny stone sink into oblivion. "What else is there?" He asked with stark confusion.

Victoria watched her oblivious mate with contempt. "You tell me," she prompted coolly.

This was not nearly their first hunt; they had always been successful at reaching their target. But in the past, their intended victims were usually male. James' lust was exclusively aimed at the blood of the man, and Victoria was satisfied to be the only woman to keep his interest. But even when their prey was female, James still approached the defenseless girls with a quickness to get it over with and claim his prize.

The girls had never been protected by a large vampire coven, and now the 'game' was looking way too appealing in James' eyes.

The ginger haired boy had clearly regarded the girl as something precious, something of high value. The same sentiment seemed to be shared throughout his coven; they had quickly tried shielded and hid the girl from them. It had been a fruitless effort; the second the girl's scent traveled to the ravenous trio, her fate had been sealed. As James had set his sights on his latest challenge, Victoria couldn't help but wonder if she saw something special in her just as the strange golden eyed group had.

Victoria knew, as much as she hid it, that her mate never saw her as precious or value.

And even with the possessed gleam behind James' eyes as he confronted them, the young vampire had still protected his little human; he had to know that there was no way he could ever protect her from them, and yet he still tried. The fact still remained that his strangely selfless actions had resonated within her; James had never protected her that way.

There had to be a reason why that coven reacted in such a way; there had to be a reason why they'd pit themselves against James' prowess for a lousy human.

Were the honey tints in their orbs placed there by humanity?

Was the fragile little human girl somehow his mate?

Victoria was drawn out of her internal inquiries as she heard James' voice.

The sight of Victoria glaring at him; the way her eyes looked so mutinous made James pause. Her frustration finally made more sense and Victoria panicked at the way his eyes lit up. James' good humor returned in the form of deep laughter. "Are you jealous, Vickie?" James asked tauntingly.

Victoria was brought up short with his correct guess; she was almost convinced he could read her mind. "No." Victoria growled, directing a gimlet eye at his self satisfied smile. Desperate for a way to wipe that look off his face, she worked to evade his suspicion. "We're outnumbered and we don't know the land the way that yellow eyed coven does." Her attempt at changing the direction of his suspicions worked very well; the mention of their obstacles and enemies completely enveloped his thoughts.

James sauntered in his ripped jeans, crossing quickly over to Victoria. Her face never dropped its scowl even at the sight of James' serene smile. "It's just one weak little girl and one weak little coven." He whispered before bracing his arms on either side of her head against the tree. He bent his head lower; his cool breath blew on the lobe of his mate's ear as his melodic tone hypnotized her. "We'll lay waste to them first, and then take this dumb little town," he promised. She could almost hear the guarantee in his voice.

Victoria could feel the tension in her muscles melt away, but she still held tight to her reservations against his plans. "And what about Laurent and me?" She mumbled; she hated feeling so powerless against her mate.

Her lover's laugh was sardonic as he began to move his hands down to her arms, rubbing them slowly. "I never hear any complaining when your lips are stained with what I catch for both of you." His genial tone somehow softened the condescension he was placing upon his coven. "I don't want to hear any of it now." He ordered before starting to nibble at her earlobe.

If Victoria's heart could beat, it would have skipped at the contact of his lips on her skin. "Maybe one day you won't hear from me." She whispered back, feeling James' chest press harder into hers.

A low growl rumbled in his chest, vibrating against her own. "Threatening me, sweetheart?" He asked nonchalantly.

Victoria hated the way James always openly underestimated her, especially her lack of ability to leave him. Victoria's back stiffened despite the way her knees shook at the way his hands tightened around her waist. "This girl, she'll be hard to get and I know you love that." Fire flashed in her eyes at the very thought of that plain girl from the clearing; she raised her chin in rekindled confidence as she spoke to him. "But I'm even harder to get, don't you forget it."

James' smug smile faltered for a moment before he started to chuckle in earnest. "True, but I'd always catch you." James' conversational tone held slight excitement behind it; he already loved the idea of chasing her around the world. James moved impossibly closer into Victoria, as if she had already left and he had finally caught her again. "You'd get tired of being away from me." He pointed out confidently.

Victoria felt impossibly ill as her false bravado was dying away from her, he was right and they both knew it. "Whenever I wanted you to, and not before," She retorted half heartedly. She was capable of running away from him and becoming virtually undetectable. But staying away from him never proved to be as easy.

James pressed the lower half of his body into his mate's midsection; his passion had grown throughout their harsh stares and threats. It wasn't a big surprise; James had always viewed their arguments as foreplay. Victoria's fire burned out as she felt a chill run down her spine, "You want me, Victoria." It wasn't a question; he knew that she was always ready for him to take her.

Again, his needs were being put before her own and she couldn't help but think of the little human girl being protected by that strange coven. "I won't die for you, James." Victoria lied; she knew that in every hunt she would mindlessly back him up. But her next words were a known truth. "I know you wouldn't die for me." She claimed.

James rolled his eyes, ignoring his mate's feelings again as he moved his hands to the button fly of Victoria's pants. "Nobody's dying, honey." The endearment felt forced, he wasn't used to placating Victoria's jealousy; she wasn't always quite so obvious in her vulnerability. James continued to laugh off Victoria's worries as he rubbed his thumb against her belly button, delighting in the way her stomach tensed in response. "You always do this, why can't you ever have a little faith in me?" He asked rhetorically, not expecting her to speak through his ministrations.

Victoria's waning resolve allowed her one more moment of honesty. "There's always some new hunt, always something to take your focus away from me." Victoria whimpered as James' nails scraped against the exposed skin of her stomach. "One stupid human and now we're putting our lives on hold again, just so you can play." James laughed off his aroused mate's rant as he tugged her pants down, hissing at the smell of her arousal.

James bit his lip as he saw her red eyes match his lustful stare. "You could play too, if you were good." He joked seductively, kissing her forehead quickly. James was not pleased to see that she still looked deeply unhappy. "Don't I always take care of you?" He sighed sweetly; he slipped his palms under her shirt, tugging at her hardened nipples. "I've always given you what you needed, Victoria." James simpered as he continued groped her heavy breasts from underneath her shirt. "So give me what I want." Not even a second after she heard James unbuckle his belt, Victoria's arms were quickly raised above her head; her wrists were trapped in one of his strong hands. Warm kisses of placation were planted onto her neck and throat, growing like lying seeds inside of her. If she still had access to a heart or soul, she knew that they had been stolen from her by her lover centuries ago.

He hitched Victoria's naked leg around his still clothed hip before he impatiently pushed his hard length inside of her welcoming, wet haven. Victoria tossed her head further back into the tree as she felt warmth spread throughout her limbs at the sensation of being filled by James. She was desperate to touch him as his hips grinded into hers before he pulled back slowly, releasing his wet sex from her body; she immediately wanted to pull him back to her.

Victoria chose not to think about anything; the stimulation coming from his hot hardness inside of her manipulated every sensitive nerve within her until she was slowly losing control. Every part of her was beginning to contract as James moved harder and rougher inside of her; his hand tightened around the curve of her bottom, her wrists were squeezed in his other hand, the kisses on her body became wetter and hotter.

Her body was locked in carnal ecstasy as she used every ounce of limited movement to reciprocate James' punishing rhythm. He smelled strongly of Earth, blood and rain, but the scent that made it more sensational was her own mingled with his. There was nothing that gave her more pleasure than being connected to him. "God, I love you, James." She sighed into her distracted lover's ear as she neared her climax; her eyes closed as stars burst behind them.

As Victoria's body tightened around James', she knew that he would soon join her in that orgasmic place that only belonged to them. As James furiously pumped his thick length into her, she could hear him moaning at the sensation. Victoria thought that her declaration had gone unheard until she heard his groan fill her ears. "I know." James grunted in return as he reached his end within her, with a powerful last thrust.

As her satiated sex filled with his warm release, she felt empty against the trees with her heart stolen once more and him giving nothing back. Her muscles and skin didn't ache from James' rough treatment of both; if anything she felt both energized and drained from their activities. James' breath blew raggedly across her face, he was leaning his forehead against hers trying to steady himself.

Victoria was already mourning their moment of intimacy that already was starting to fade as she felt James quickly regaining himself. Unneeded pants finally died away as her body ceased its trembling. Victoria felt a breeze blowing through her shirt and cursed. "Damn, I liked this shirt…It's my only shirt." She moaned. She watched James tuck his spent erection back into his jeans before buttoning them. She stood half naked against the tree, marveling at his naked chest; her daydreaming was broken as she felt James tenderly remove a leaf from her wild hair.

James hummed in commiseration at the sight of her shredded shirt. "There are plenty of lovely shirts with lovely women wearing them…I'll get you one of each." He winked, punctuating his promise.

Victoria resisted smiling at the goofy wink and promise. "How sweet," she deadpanned.

James' merriment was contagious and soon Victoria could feel herself smirking along with him. "This is gonna be fun." He chuckled. "Trust me?" His question brooked no negative answer as he held her twin crimson gaze in his own.

Of course she didn't, but when your nights were endless and your soul had left long ago, there was nothing left to believe in. "Yes, James." She sighed into his neck, breathing in the tangible scent of her James on his shining skin.

James held his mate tenderly for almost two beats of a human heart before yanking her fiery hair back, wrenching her face away from the safety she had found in the crook of his neck. "There's my girl," he crooned before ravaging her conceding lips in victorious greed.

She was an immortal warrior; wild and fatal. She was a living flame; consuming and bright. With her physical strength and otherworldly cunning, she could probably tear the head off the man that was now covetously roaming his hands around the curves of her body, and she'd be plenty capable of burning each piece of him to a graying cinder.

But she didn't have the strength it took to _will_ herself to do that.

She didn't have the strength to walk through her mate being there to lead her through it.

She could feel her lover's length hardening once more against her and she could already feel her body preparing to once again give into his enthralling whims.

She didn't have the strength to kill the man she loved.

So she'd just have to settle for killing Isabella Swan.

* * *

**A/N:**

**I'm hoping this came off realistic to the couple, I've never done canon before.**

**At the least, I hope she sounds like a woman scorned.**

**I'd love to know what you thought. **

**Thanks for reading, hope you liked :)**


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